I’m nearly finished reading Jason Vale’s book. I’ve gotten to the point where he’s said “What are you waiting for – stop now!” and I’m at that point in my mind too …. but ….

I don’t know what but. I was definitely tempted on several occasions yesterday. When out and about holidaying. When I got home and I was exhausted tired. The thought of cooking dinner or cleaning house is a very strong trigger.

But I didn’t drink. And not because of will-powering myself not to. But because I know that I genuinely don’t want to.

God but it’s a struggle to remember that all the time though.

Every time I open the fridge in this house (we’re not at home at the moment) and see a cold beer – I want it. Every time we pass a pub, filled with cheerful holiday-makers (especially in the sunshine) – I want it. There’s a case of Guinness sitting in the kitchen – I want it. There’s a half-finished bottle of wine on the counter-top – want. Pernod in the cupboard – want want want.

Especially after this morning when a major upset happened. We are house and pet sitting for my parents, and one of the pets got accidentally exposed to some chemical (shower cleaner) spray. I am really worried that there will be dire consequences. But all I can do is wait and see. I’m filled with fear, worry, self-recrimination, guilt and more fear.

And I want to have a drink.

Or I think I do.

This isn’t even about “playing the video to the end”. I only have to play it as far as the first sip. But an aware first sip. If I pay attention to what I like and what I want, then what I want is not alcohol.

I find it a bit useful to compare it to smoking (or ingesting) marajuana. I don’t like it. I tried it way more times than I probably needed to to come to that conclusion, because … it was around, (some of) my peers like it, standard wisdom seems to say it has feel good effects. But it actually doesn’t have feel good affects for me. It makes me feel woozy and fuzzy, gives me a bloated feeling, and I end up feeling detached from the world and a little panicky.

Actually, that’s not unlike some days on alcohol. So, nowadays it’s not hard at all for me to say no to smoking pot – or in fact smoking anything at all. I feel very strongly in myself that I don’t like it and it has no real benefits to me.

Because of habit and society and the “image” of drinking, I imagine it might take a long time before I can untangle the “vision” of having a drink from the reality of it.

And just like I said yesterday – although I am not planning to ever drink again, a slip would just be a reminder of what I don’t want. Just like when, having stopped smoking for a few weeks, you get tempted to try one and remember – yuck!

Awareness, self-awareness and attention is going to be the key.

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