I shared my blog with my husband yesterday. I’m slowly moving myself into a more public arena with this cessation of alcohol thing.
What’s behind wanting to stay private with this? I mean, if I spend a week changing my diet or trying out some new exercise I’m all over Facebook with it, babbling about whatever effects in front of hundreds of friends and mild acquaintances. And if I were trying out giving up alcohol for a week, or even a month or something else “experimental” like that, I think I’d have no problem chatting about it wherever or whenever.
But there’s a stigma about having a “problem” with alcohol. And I think my nascent views on this whole thing are still so fragile; I am not even completely sure they’re fully formed in my own brain yet. There was the “worry about failure” thing.
That was what was behind keeping all my previous witterings to 750words.com, safely locked away from public eyes. But I see that now as having been a bit self-defeating (even though it was helpful in its own way too). Because I was leaving a space for failure, I was preparing for it and in a way making it okay. Well, it has to be okay to fail, right? Because I have to be able to pick myself back up and not throw it all away if I do slip up, but that’s not the same thing as expecting to fail. I guess that’s the difference. I think I was expecting to fail before.
I’m not expecting to fail anymore. I don’t know what I’m expecting. But I’m excited about it. I guess I’m expecting to live.
But right now, this is between you, me and the anonymous internet. Because it’s precious to me and I want to guard it like a newborn.
I think there will come a time when I’m ready to share all this with everyone. I think forward to my upcoming 40th birthday in August, for example. I wonder if I’ll share my reasons for not drinking. I already know I won’t be drinking. Maybe I’ll let people know in dribs and drabs before that so that it’s not a big “thing”. Because while stopping drinking is huge and going to be life-changing, I know longer want alcohol to define me in any way.
So, time to head out into the beautiful world today and have some of this life I’m gaining back.