Let’s talk about weight. My weight specifically. I weigh approximately 86kg right now. Nearly 190 lb. 13 and a half stone.

Jesus.

That is more than I’ve weighed ever – not counting the immediate week post partum with the twins.

Fucking hell.

Sorry, it’s just it kind of crept up on me. You see, I haven’t weighed myself in about 9 months. And I’ve been happy with that decision. Trying things like weighing myself every day had only let to misery and stupid things like starving and dehydrating myself before a weigh-in, which doesn’t represent my true weight either. So I determined to go by clothes size, and even though things had been creeping tighter and squeezier over the past couple of months, I’d managed to mostly ignore it.

Well, I can’t really ignore it now. I need to do something ….

But not about my weight directly, I need to do something about my health. I truly believe that diets are psychologically counter-productive. I believe that if I had never gone on a diet, I wouldn’t be this weight now. All diets ever taught me was that certrain foods were “forbidden” and what happened then was that those were ALL I wanted to eat – regardless of whether I liked those things or not.

The image of Sisyphus on today’s post pretty much encapsulates my experience with dieting – or it would if the rock actually got heavier each time it rolled back down the hill.

Now that I’m freed from alcohol, I see it as the time to really work on my awareness in all things, including my tendency to eat: 1. Because it’s time, 2. Things I don’t like, 3. Past the point of satedness – regardless of whether I’m actually hungry or not.

Of course I am hopeful that stopping drinking alcohol will have the knock-on effect of weight loss. That seems to be the image of other people I’ve know who’ve stopped drinking. But I don’t harbour any expectation that will be an immediate or even short-term effect. Somewhere in my brain I have the 100 days number as a point when I might finally start to see the physical benefits of stopping drinking. And I’m a fair ways away from there at this point. I will get there though.

For now, maybe it’s time to stop pushing a metaphorical rock, and to take a look around at my metaphorical surroundings and savour the scenery. Pay attention.

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