After I’ve used the same alarm sound for a long time, it can tend to stop waking me. So, because I wanted to wake super early this morning (5am), I switched up my alarm song to something I hadn’t used before – the theme to the movie Merry Christmas Mr. Lawrence. 

One of the first things I’ve done this morning is change the alarm to yet a different song again. The Mr. Lawrence theme, by Ryuichi Sakamoto is haunting and beautiful and pulls me straight into sadness and an ungood type of nostalgia.

I lived in Japan for 6 years of my live and I spent five of those years involved in a relationship that was hugely toxic for me on so many levels. I would actually trace the trigger point to my starting to drink super-unhealthily to about the 4-year point in that relationship. So much of my personality had been stripped away by years of bowing, compromising and acquiescing to unreasonable demands and isolation. I guess I felt like I needed to cope by living in a fantasy bubble, and alcohol gave quick and immediate access to that bubble.

I still haven’t really processed that time in my life properly. And I don’t even feel like I want to. It’s like a really sore spot on my emotional skin that is just not ready to “pop” yet. I can feel it “throbbing” if I pay attention, but can mostly ignore it. However, if I go “at” it and try and squeeze before I’m ready, I’ll just make a mess and a lot of pain. It will come to a head in time though. Or just sink back into the background? I think it’s not far off coming to a head. A year plus of therapy and all the other stuff I’m doing is slowly releasing all the poisonous “spots” in my heart. I’m just not all that ready for this one yet.

I have a protective part inside of me which I call my Nopepotemus. When I try to start talking or thinking too hard about something I find too emotional or too painful, he moves forward and centre with a great big “Nope!” and blocks all further exploration of that topic. So, the Nopepotemus is calling “time” on any further exploration of this Japan-feelings topic. And this is part of why I have to change my alarm song. I don’t want to start my days off in maudlin and dragged into the past mode. For now, it’s going to stay right there. I think I need a professional to help me lance that boil.

I had horrible and wretched insomnia last night. Two round of yoga-nidra meditation helped with my initial drop off, but I kept waking up anyway.  I had migraine symptoms and numbness going down one side of my face which always tends to send me into a bit of a panic spiral. So, I did sleep eventually, but it was hard work getting myself out of bed for 5am. I lounged and procrastinated a bit, but thankfully didn’t waste too much of my early awake time before dragging myself off to make some tea.

I’m going to try to cut back on morning coffee again. It definitely triggers reflux and undoubtedly contributes to headaches and migraine-numbness. It saddens me a bit though! As I said in a previous post, I’m a bit addicted to the image of morning coffee. And I’ve just purchased a whole load of new Nespresso capsules that I’m excited to use. All the same, those capsules aren’t marching off anywhere! And I’m not saying “no coffee” to myself, I just want to stop starting my day off with a double shot of coffee.

So I’m sat here with a lovely cup of jasmine-flavoured green tea. It has enough caffeine in it to do the morning job, but it doesn’t twist up my stomach in the same was as coffee tends to. If I’m being honest and listening to my body’s reaction to morning coffee (as opposed to my brain’s reaction), I have an immediate “No! That makes me feel sick!”.

It’s interesting to notice how very often I can tend to overwrite the messages I’m receiving from my body. My brain seems to mansplain to the rest of me: “Don’t be silly, body! You like this! The advertising has told us that our life is happier and more energetic when we drink this!” And it’s my subconscious brain that seems to be in charge  of this ridiculous brainsplaining to boot! Otherwise I would never think that I really want to eat more when I’m full, drink alcohol I don’t really want, skip exercising that will make me feel better, etc. etc.

I’m going to do the best I can today, to live consciously and listen to all the different parts of me, so that I can make conscious choices with the adult part of me brain. I may fail. No matter. Try again, fail again. Fail Better.