The desire to change my relationship with food is coming to something of a head for me at the moment. I’m thinking about it a lot, especially triggered by the following:

  • Reflux: Not, as I had previously sung, gone at all. Definitely seems to be worsened by coffee-drinking. But also the type, amount and speed at which I eat. The “good” thing about reflux is that it inserts itself into my life throughout the whole day. I’m starting to pause slightly before beginning scoffage and think about the potential consequences. (Before I say “damn them!”, of course.)
  • Weight: I just feel so unhappy in this body. Is it okay to say that? Does that go against the self-acceptance I’m striving for? Probably, a bit. But I also feel the need to accept the fact that I’m unhappy in this body. And uncomfortable. And I keep getting surprised by small things that I figure I should be able to do, but can’t because of the limitations of my size and shape. Like, I totally mis-estimate the size of space my backside can fit into, and have sometimes embarrassingly squeezed into spaces where there wasn’t the room I had anticipated. I mostly dislike how pretty much all clothes look and feel on me.
  • Health:
    • My doctor reckons my cholesterol is genetically high – i.e. I won’t bring it down significantly through dietary or lifestyle changes. All the same.
    • I’m not diabetic yet, but if I keep on this path, we know where the train is headed.
    • My resting heart rate has climbed since coming off the beta blockers – it’s still good for my age and gender, but, given that I still need to survive ’til they make me my robot body…
  • Example: Having a fat parent increases the chance of a child being overweight. Even though they aren’t anything approaching overweight, it’s not a worry yet. But then it wasn’t a worry when I was a child either.
  • Mental Health: I just want to stop thinking about it, really! But also, I don’t eat because I’m hungry (well, not all the time), I eat to escape from uncomfortable thoughts and feelings. I reckon it would be a really good idea to actually deal with that shit and exorcise it from my life.

So, there we are. Is this an assumption that I’m “free” and cured from any issues surrounding alcohol. No. And I’m not going to drink again. Of course I could, any time I want to insomuch as I could take up smoking again, if I really wanted to. I feel like I’ve _shifted_ a lot of those emotional issues from drink to sugar. While they might be in a slightly better location now, it’s still a problem. And the list I’ve made above is not dissimilar to the many lists I had previously made about alcohol.

I feel resolved. I feel tired. I feel like I’m going to make a hell of a lots of slips and restarts and will require a lot of self-reminding before things get better. Even just 30 seconds ago, I started pondering on the crisps in the cupboard and how I could start a-nibbling on those as an afternoon snack while I read some internet before going off to pick up the children. And I really had to sharply remind myself: “You’re not hungry!”

There’s going to be a hell of a lot of unpacking for me to do around what hunger feels like, and how to even want to change when world feels draining and unfair and goddamnit! can’t I just have one treat ever?!

That inner voice reminds me slightly of the children complaining that they never get [time/turns/toys/treats] when they will have literally just finished whatever they’re complaining about. Because something inside of me feels deeply mistreated and deprived, I can never seem to notice how much I do get. All I can see is a lack. And when I feed that lack – either figuratively or literally – I end up with an even bigger lack.

I know what the answer is, right? Pay Attention. But how do I battle the desire to not even want to work on things. This petulant, hurt, denied child inside who can see nothing except what isn’t good enough? I used to think it was maybe about doing more and trying to do better and pushing and pushing. Maybe it’s something else? Maybe what I actually need is more appreciation and gratitude for what I already have.

Accept more.

Pay attention.

Then accept and cherish the truth of what’s there.

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