This time. This quiet, precious early morning is like bliss to me. Even if I’m drained and tired, it’s worth it to squeeze myself out of sleep and into the day to enjoy the peaceful alone before the rest of the household wakes.
Maybe that’s why I was feeling so irritated at being interrupted two mornings ago. I’d paid the price of waking myself, but I wasn’t getting the reward of the peace I felt I was due.
This morning I didn’t have to struggle too hard to wake – I woke naturally with the daylight at 5 to 6, before my alarm even went off. A child came in, but was easily re-bedded. There’s sunlight highlighting the trees outside my window, and I have a feeling of calm joy in my body right now.
Shhh… don’t say it too loud, it might disturb it and cause it to flee!
Yesterday I completed a task that was hanging over my head for a few months – since Christmas in some ways – and it’s been like a huge weight lifted off me ever since. Now there are still lots of frustrations and “to-dos” and things I’m late with and things I’ve forgotten. But removing that one thing seems to have made everything else feel that little more doable.
I sort of don’t even want to write more. I don’t want to change from this place where I am right now.
“Do I dare disturb the universe? In a minute there are decisions and revisions which a minute will reverse.”
Ah, but the universe is constantly changing. As it should be. And the day will unfold, and in 20 minutes I will be a different person and this writing person here might be a stranger. Maybe not though? Maybe I can carry it all with me. Not in a weighed down way, but all spinning inside me, all parts supporting each other in some kind of an internal star-system. Yes – a universe in a ball! 🙂
Now, I’m starting to get slightly worried that I’m writing nonsense this morning. I’m all full of metaphor and philosophy. My mood feels like a firefly and I don’t want to face the fact that it will die. Because it feels like such a good mood. And there’s judgement in that; “good” mood vs “bad” mood. I’m definitely attached to the good one! I don’t want it to pass. I don’t want to feel the stresses and frustrations that inevitably come each day. I want to grasp and cling and hold onto that feeling.
But that grasping and clinging is what will destroy it. Because it moves in the opposite direction to acceptance. I become full of “should” and denials. I move away from honesty.
And in honesty, there is something deeper down here behind this lovely surface mood that I so desperately want to cling to. My therapist yesterday mentioned the phrase “deeper work” and a year and a half in to speaking with her, I feel like I’m starting to get ready for that.
I’m scared of it though. One fear I have is that there’s nothing there. That here I am, all messed up in life and feeling like I’m carrying some scars and monster-pits inside and that at the end of it, there’s no reason for it. It’s a bit like when you feel sick and initially you don’t want to be feeling sick, but then it gets worse, you get worried, and you go to the doctor. And then you get to the doctor’s office and start to feel embarrassed that maybe you weren’t “that bad” in the first place, so can feel relieved when the doctor says “Yes – there really is something wrong.” It feels wrong to be wishing that something really is wrong with you. But you’d hate to have made a fuss about nothing.
I feel a bit like that. On one hand, I’m scared to explore certain feelings that I have inside of me about parts of my past. On another hand, I’m anxious that there’s nothing really there and that I’ve made up some kind of melodrama.
I suppose at the end of the day, even if there are just phantom monsters in my head, it is something that I’m carrying with me. And I need to work through my feelings about it all. I know that at the very least I need to work up the courage to talk about Japan and everything that happened there. That’s not hidden – at least not from myself – but I find it hard to talk about because I’m ashamed of some of my actions in the larger story. And so that is the hurdle I need to get past. Because my own misdeeds seem to be standing in the way of my acknowledging some great hurts I feel too. It’s all painted over with “It’s you’re own fault!” in big red letters.
To anyone who’s reading this morning: I’m not trying to be mysterious. I’m just slowly trying to untangle some knotted up thoughts, memories and emotions.
I’m going to leave it here for today. But I’ll keep some of these thoughts spinning along inside of me, spinning with the calm parts – worries and judgements, you’re welcome too today.