I’m feeling a lot of stress and frustration over house plans at the moment. We are lucky enough to have a decent sized plot of land within the city limits, but the house that’s on it is old, badly build, damp and too small for us. So, there’s a theoretical plan that we would knock our house and build several houses on the plot of land, with the sale of the other houses funding the build of ours.

But. That’s not something we can afford to fund from the outset for ourselves, so we want to work with a developer to fund the upfront cost of all the builds in exchange for the building of our house. We have at least one interested party, but we’re running into a snag regarding access roads.

And so we’re currently playing a waiting game, waiting for someone else to get back to us about (a) whether or not they’ll give us permission for the road and (b) how much it will cost if they do. It’s been two weeks since our last update on this, and about a month since the question was even raised in the first place.

I just want to do something to move this forward. And meanwhile other people (namely an architect that we might work with) are waiting on us to get back to them, but I’m feeling like we can’t move forward on that until we know for sure what we’re doing with regards access roads etc.

So. It’s just frustrating. And feeling like I’m trapped, or have no control tends to illicit a panic response in me. Dr. Seuss’s Oh the Places You’ll Go!” talks about the Waiting Place:

The Waiting Place…

…for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come or the rain to go or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow or waiting around for a Yes or No
or waiting for their hair to grow. Everyone is just waiting.

And that’s what it’s feeling like at the moment. This most dreadful waste of life and living. And of course I’m not just expending my life waiting. But there’s that sense, in the back of my head, that nothing can truly get started at the moment. Everyone is just waiting.

And then I think of all the people I know who’ve died young. Or of my friend who has stage 4 melanoma. And then it’s a case of “what the hell am I doing?!”. If I were diagnosed with a life-shortening illness, I would not expend another two years of my life faffing about with a plan to build a house and develop the site. I would want to sell up this whole place, buy somewhere else and start “living” right away.

Is what we’re doing right now not living? Of course it is, but everything is coloured with a sense of temporary; is there any point in putting work into the existing house, garden, plumbing – even decoration – until the “new house”? And I feel a bit overwhelmed by clutter in our existing cramped space. I just want to get a huge metaphorical sweeping brush and sweep everything out. But it doesn’t feel as easy as all that when it comes to actually doing it. Each individual item in the moment seems to have so much potential utility.

Life feels like we’re at a cross-roads. And I’m ready to choose which direction to go, but I don’t want to make an uninformed decision that I’m likely to regret. In the vast longer scheme of things, a couple of months of waiting will have been worth it in order to not have made a decision we will be regretting for years of our lives, right? But there have been so many delays and waits for people to essentially confirm what we already seemed to know /strongly suspect. This has been going on since February with lots and lots of waiting time, and I just want to choose a direction and move. It feels like life is backing up behind us while we’re stalled here at this metaphorical crossroads.

I know that right at the moment, waiting a little longer is probably the “right” move. But that doesn’t alleviate the panicked feeling in my chest and stomach, from feeling trapped and at the mercy of others’ decisions.

I guess the best I can do is get on with the business of living each of the days we are gifted with in the meantime.