I don’t have enough time this morning to write properly. But I’m going to take the ten minutes with my coffee and babble some words onto the screen all the same.

I’m feeling fairly whelmed at the moment. My days are full to bursting with immediate tasks, and while I feel like my head is above water, each night I go to bed with a strong recognition of how much I need to get done the next day, and it’s really only sustainable because I know it will end in a few weeks.

It’s the nature of teaching – these bursts of frantic work where everything else in life has to be attended to in a slapdash manner, or else abandoned completely, then you get set a little adrift for a period of holiday. And it can make you feel like you have to cram everything else you’ve ever wanted to do in your life into the holiday time. I tend to get frustrated with other people’s expectations that I’m completely available once the Summer Holidays start.

I guess people who work year-round jobs tend to take off completely for their annual leave. Leave the country, take the time to meet friends, etc. etc. For me though, as soon as that last report is typed, I feel like it’s time to start knitting up all the parts of my life that came unravelled during the previous hectic months. Right now there are two huge areas that are front and centre in my priority list:
(1) Draw.
(2) Clean.

They compete in terms of how important they are – and if you’re thinking phrases along the lines of “You’ll never be on your deathbed wishing you’d cleaned more!” then you have no idea of how neglected a house can get during the last couple of months of Summer Term.

It feels a bit to me that life is a bit of a battle of doing the exact least amount of daily drudge work so that your living environment is conducive to focusing on the more lofty life goals. It’s not an easy balance to strike. Right now I couldn’t draw in the environment of our home. I would feel too uncomfortable. Too surrounded by the clutter and dust that would pull at my mind and subtract from any goodness I’d find in the task of drawing. Sure, I could get things drawn, but it would be a “task” rather than a hobby. The yoga videos I watch remind me to stay present whilst moving through the asanas – because otherwise I’m just exercising. Not to say that exercising isn’t beneficial in and of itself, and likewise there would be something of benefit in getting a picture drawn – but neither is the thing that I’m seeking.

[Now I must head off to get ready for a long day of work (but my last long Thursday!), so I will continue this later.]

Later…

I am a different person in the evenings to the one in the mornings. In the morning time things seem rife with potential. The unending to-do list seems manageable. I have energy and hope.

Come evening, especially Monday and Thursday evenings and I am seeped in frustration and exhaustion. I feel like my brain is juggling a million and one “open loops” and I don’t feel like I have the energy to close enough of them to make a discernible difference.

Monday’s and Thursdays are particularly troublesome because my timetable is exceptionally hectic and that drags on my energy levels, and there is no “spare” time to deal with anything extra that might arise during the course of the day. I am also feeling frustrated with certain personality types that seem to need to be handled with kid gloves and become an extra drain on my brain as I have to cycle through rephrasing of requests or suggestions to ensure they don’t get misinterpreted in a negative light.

Right now this evening, I’m very triggered by wanting “rewards” for a difficult day. But I’ve done a decent job on my reality perceptors and I no longer lean towards alcohol and less towards food. I just don’t know what to put in place. Maybe the truth is that I don’t need a “reward”. Maybe I just need a rest.

I don’t really feel like I’m living my best life at times like this. Right now, I feel like my eyes are focused on the far shore. My muscles are burning as I row against the current, and I’m not much thinking about the actual boat trip.

Yeah. Maybe I just need a rest.

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