It visited me again yesterday evening; the exhausted crankiness; the lack of empathy; patience eroded, I was snappish and lazy feeling.
But with its reappearance came the realisation that I hadn’t seen it in a while! Now, a while for me might be less than a week, but I am pretty sure that up until recently I’d been having those cranky intolerant bouts of personality pretty much every day. It’s definitely not every day. Not saying that I’m perfectly patient in every way every day, but I don’t descend into a mode where I’m completely blended with the frustration and feel so disconnected from everyone else that I can’t even summon up the energy to care that they are hurting and struggling through life too.
So, yeah, even though I did have that experience yesterday evening:
A child was crying because he only got two toys and I couldn’t even. I knew that his emotions were valid, but I just felt like shouting at him “Suck it up! Life is tough and we don’t always get everything we want! Stop your selfish whining and crying!” instead of being more gentle with him and allowing him to gain those conclusions himself. I mean, he will figure that out, right? And I should be on his side to bolster him against the unfairness of the world – not remove it, by the way, just … be on his team, I guess. And yesterday evening I wasn’t really on his team. And for a while there I didn’t even want to be. Possibly I was being just as much of a stompy child on my insides. Because I wasn’t getting the rest and peace that I felt I deserved. Well, life ain’t fair … suck it up ;-p
Where was I? Oh yes, I’m feeling okay about that blip yesterday evening. It’s not an emotional state I strive towards or anything like that, but I can kind of understand how I got there, and I feel really heartened by the fact that it’s been occurring less frequently. Maybe not enough data to state that conclusively just yet, but all the same, I’m feeling optimistic.
So now that things are winding up at school, I feel like I have more space on the inside of me, especially in the evenings. It’s odd, because there are so many final tangled tasks to sort through before Summer holidays, that I’m – objectively speaking – just as busy as I was two weeks ago. The difference is that frantic, can’t catch my breath, chasing my own tail feeling. That’s cleared, and with it, it’s like clear skies inside my head – clouds have been chased away and sunshine is streaming through. I can feel the difference on my forehead.
I’d like to get back into my drawing habit again. It’s funny how like exercising nearly any habit is. When I’ve stopped running for a chunk of time (for whatever reason), then it feels like such an effort to restart. I so often feel like I’ve gone right back to the beginning of it all; unable to complete distances, just not wanting to run, not feeling the joy in it at all, not feeling like there’s space in the schedule to give to it. Then after a few weeks, life reshapes itself around the place where running needs to be, it becomes enjoyable, I feel proud of what I’m achieving in distance, strength and fitness.
Anyway, getting back into drawing faces a lot of the same hurdles. I will need re-find the time and energy, when some hard-nosed, red-tape obsessed manager inside of me will stonefacedly declare that
“Nope! There’s no time for that! Sorry, you’ve got other commitments, you’ll have to submit an application in triplicate 3 months in advance of any hope of scheduling time for a hobby like that. And anyway, we couldn’t possibly allow you time and space to draw until you clean up all the dust and clutter in the house.”
So, there’s that battle ahead. But if I keep re-picking up my sword and waging the war (seriously full of metaphor this morning. I know, I know…), then maybe it will seem slightly less insurmountable each new time. After all, life is always going to get in the way of the habits we try to form. The trick isn’t to keep everything going constantly all the time. The trick is in learning how to be flexible and determined enough to restart. Pick it back up and wade back into the war. Push those creative muscles. Yes, they got a bit lazy or worn down. We can get back there though.
After all, what’s the alternative?