Some mornings I feel like I don’t have a lot to say or explore. Or that what’s there isn’t fully formed or going to come out in any kind of coherent way.
But I am getting a benefit of writing regardless of whether I have something new to say or not.
So, I apologise to anyone who’s reading what is likely to be a whole lot of bland repetition and pretty much first world whines. It’s a really good way for me to process things. So, writing this morning is likely to be patchy and self-focused. (Yes, I know – in what way at all does that differ from other mornings.)
Stuff that’s on my mind and that I want to put on the page instead:
- I eat too much sugar.
It’s just on my mind. I’m not really resolved to do a whole lot about it just yet. But it does worry me that it might have a long term negative impact on my health. I’ve even recently started taking regular sugar in my coffee again, and that was something I gave up about 20 years ago!
I know the solution, of course. Awareness. Attention. Honesty. Maybe some part of me is hoping I can just get away with the first step of honesty here this morning. So that I don’t have to go through the pain of change and the effort of attention. And the attendant question there is “Is it not more difficult to continue with the behaviours as they are and all the effort and pain that comes with them?”
- I’m feeling uncomfortable interacting with some of my dearest and longest friends.
I feel like we are polite strangers a lot of the time. I sometimes feel like I proffer up some nuggets of personal information to them, like a hopeful puppy with some dirty rag they’ve dug up in the garden. It just doesn’t feel natural anymore and I feel sad about that. I blame myself, but I guess I also blame time and circumstances. The deeper connection, the quirks, the excitement of mutual taste all seems to have been plastered over with kids and discussions of schools and houses. It’s still nice to see them. But yeah. That’s just where it is right now. I probably am to blame in some part, but it’s going to require a lot of time and effort to even change the parts that I’m capable of affecting.
I don’t know what I’m going to do about this. Probably nothing for a while anyway.
- I don’t feel like going for a long run today. I could go tomorrow instead. This is not a big problem.
- In a more general way, the energy and motivation I was feeling yesterday has slumped on out of me. I don’t really want to do anything today. I broke the ice on drawing yesterday – just about! Then got interrupted and had no chance to get back to it. So, I would like to do some more on that picture today, but I’m also not feeling it, so I guess I’m going to have to force myself again.
- I’ve been 7 weeks alcohol free. I think there’s a difference, but I kind of can’t see the woods from the trees, so I maybe need to ask someone else.
- Energy is one of those things that ebbs and flows anyway, so it’s hard to say if I have more.
- My skin is the opposite of clearer – see my earlier bullet on sugar.
- I’ve lost a teeny tiny amount of weight, but it’s “only” been 49 days, and I’m not expecting much change ’til closer to 100 days. And probably not much until I start attacking the problem with sugar too.
- I don’t know if I’m kinder or less snappish. I like to think so, but as with the energy issue, it’s one of those sinusoidal wave functions.
- I do feel like this is still the path I want to be on, and so I guess this is why I’m looking for some objective “gains” to point out to myself. As I start to let a few more people know that I’m going without any added alcohol, I’m starting to feel the need to justify it in a more “here – see these benefits” sort of a way. In truth, the benefits are probably more in the negative space at the moment; it’s about what I’m not losing as opposed to what I’m actively gaining just now.
There’s a snapshot of life today. A little boring, a little repetitive, no real conclusions and feeling a bit directionless.
I will make time for meditation today: When the children eat lunch, or before if an opportune moment arises.
I will make time for drawing today: When the children are in bed.