It just struck me this morning, as I was carrying a now familiar discontent into the waking world, that despite always craving a less busy work day with more time to do mundane things, I get more unhappy with a shorter work day.

What’s going on there?

I think it’s back to habit and expectation. Today, for instance, I have just one class to supervise, and then a short meeting afterwards. I resent the meeting that I have to wait about 25 minutes in school to attend. Even though I have so much stuff to do that I actually need to be in school to do. The waiting time will not be wasted, but the thought of even an extra five minutes spent in the building is making me antsy.

I’ve gotten so used to (a) needing to be somewhere directly after the finish of the working day and (b) the majority of my working day being in school itself and (c) finding that extra time in the building so often devolves into faffery, and so I feel nearly programmed to bolt as soon as it’s possible. It’s like time spent in the school building is “stolen” from me and I’m gaining something by being home.

Which is frankly ridiculous, because I get home and suddenly feel adrift.

In actuality, I still have a lot of schoolwork left to complete before Friday – and certainly before I fly off on Wednesday morning. And I’m not great at completing it at home. I’m likely to fall asleep or waste time online, or spend time eating food that doesn’t agree with me and I didn’t want in the first place.

So … what if?

What if I changed my perception. Looked at the day as a whole and got done what I needed to do without this (frankly weird) grasping after being in a certain location at a certain time. Why is this even a difficult thing? I don’t really understand myself around this, but at least I can recognise that it is happening.

So, after I finish up here, I will take a look at my “Open Loops” and make a quick “five item” list of my Most Important Tasks for today, and get some of those done as a priority today, whether in school or in the home.

I’m looking forward to the Summer, but as I mentioned yesterday, I’m feeling kind of nervous about it too. It feels like swimming in unknown waters; I’m going to have to spend some time thinking about my habits, motivations and desired outputs on a nearly daily basis.

And speaking of desired outputs … I need to face up to my relationship with bread. I ate a pizza (frozen) last night and the effects on my stomach for the rest of the evening were debilitating. I got hot and cold. Nauseated, weak. Just horrible horrible feeling. Even before I felt actively sick, I felt stodgy and worn down. And I didn’t enjoy eating the damned thing at all. I was just glad to not spend a lot of time thinking about and doing cooking.

I need to have a really big think about food and drink in general. My body is not feeling great at the moment, and I’ve not been very thoughtful about what I’m putting into it, and I think the two are heavily correlated. It’s time to come back to making active choices each time I eat or drink rather than grabbing things out of habit.

Toast and cheese is a really handy snack /lunch and (given the right cheese) it’s something that I like. But it’s not something my guts or migraine reaction feel too happy about. Now that I’ve noticed that the worst of my reflux goes away if I drink coffee less frequently, you might think my reaction would be to drink coffee less frequently. Lol! lol.lol.lol. My reaction is to go “Okay, so it’s probably not a tumour or something terrible, I’ll just take antacids and drink more coffee!”

I know that a not-so-small part of me feels like the sugar, coffee, processed treats and all the rest of the stuff I’m shoving into me feels like a well-deserved reward for not drinking alcohol. But what sense does that make? It’s like I’m trying to keep some kind of poison-level in my bloodstream. If I can’t get it in there using alcohol, I’ll find some other method! I don’t think it’s so conscious or anything like that. More it’s a result of believing in some kind of fairness or deserving. And, much like what I’ve been doing with bolting school (and then getting frustrated that my work isn’t suddenly over), I’m just not thinking about what I want and what I need.

What matches me best today?

I’ll try to pay attention.

Advertisements