I shared this blog with another friend, who read the whole thing! I don’t think anyone else, other than my husband, has actually read through all of my navel gazing. Even I don’t have the time or inclination to read through the whole lot. So, well done!
My friend mentioned that my husband (let’s use G for him) seemed somewhat absent from my writings here. He wondered if it was because my relationship with him is super-secure and so maybe I don’t need to introspect on it all that much. I think that’s partially true. It’s also true that I see this as my space where I’m free to talk about all that pertains to me, but I’m also aware that it is (while obscure) a public space, and so I don’t really feel like it’s okay for me to talk that much about G.
I have been worried in recent times that our relationship has been playing second fiddle to being parents and worrying about house and work stuff. I feel really secure that it will survive though, and maybe in that I’ve ended up taking things a bit for granted.
I have never in my life felt as sure about a person as when I met G. Even before I met him. I felt – if you’ll pardon yet more mawkish metaphors – like a skittish horse that was instantly calmed by his touch; even his presence. He pulled me back to myself from a very difficult, very black, very sad place. And he accepted every broken part of me and just saw me as me. When we got married, our vows promised to love – not ’til Death Do Us Part, but Forever. I don’t want no stupid death getting in our way!
It feels like too strong a foundation for the world to have a chance of breaking us.
But it could. And the chink through which the world could push a wedge would be inattention. And I think I have been guilty of that inattention. I’ve been spending a whole lot of time, focus and energy on myself and I’ve not really given much thought to the entity of my marriage.
I talk here about living each day, whether it’s a boring Wednesday or a chore-filled Saturday. To stop dreaming of a future time when “it’s all sorted” and actually exist and realise that my life is here and now, that it will never be all “done” and ready for me to walk into and begin living. But maybe I’ve allowed my marriage to float in a kind of stasis – since the advent of children, has it become a bit of a holding pattern?
Actually, back at the beginning of children, and up to even 2, 2.5 years ago, we were pretty good at sticking to something we called our “weekly meetings”, where we’d let the children run wild in soft-play or the likes and check in with each other on a number of issues. Often mainly organisational, but personal and creative were in there too. I know we’ve made an attempt more recently to resurrect those, but it’s devolved quite quickly into each of us doing our own thing. Planning for ourselves, reading to ourselves…. and that’s a pleasure too! But maybe we need to be careful that we’re not starving the symbiotic dual entity that is “us” of attention.
Some good news though, but a tangent first. Wait But Why talks about The Fog of Unconsciousness and states (accurately!) that the number one thing you can do to clear the fog is to be aware of it.
I think something similar applies here. By being aware of the attention gap, I think the first step – possibly the biggest step – has already been taken to solve it. That’s all, really. I mean, I’ll have to keep my consciousness on this topic, and not just on myself and my solitary existence in each present moment. I don’t have to be reminded to attend to my children – like alarm clocks, they’ll do that job themselves.
Moreover, it’s something I want to do. I find myself writing here and feeling optimistic and looking forward with joy to the future. I’m starting to feel a bit homesick out here in Montreal. I’m enjoying my time, seeing brother and brother-husband, and it’s been great to travel alone for a bit too. But I miss miss miss my family and I want to shrink the distance between us – both figuratively and literally.
Meanwhile, I am going to enjoy the hell out of my last two days here!