After a relatively productive yesterday, today has thus far been an Ode to Jetlag. I couldn’t get to sleep ’til the small hours, despite nearly crashing out at 9pm, and after walking children to school I came back for a Hobbit-like second sleep. So now it’s quarter to two and not a fish in the house washed.
G. says “It’s fine, you’re on holidays!”, but I don’t want to think of this time like “holidays”. I want to mop up every last drop of school-free gravy …
… and ironically, right in the middle if that thought, I got a request to deal with something on the school Facebook page though.
All the same, I don’t regret or resent my extra sleep time from today. I want to savour my daily morsels, but I’m not intending on putting myself under a doing pressure for the duration – that wouldn’t exactly be savouring.
I spent a lovely evening drawing last night. Not feeling it, turned to excitement and investment. It’s funny, I picked up my pad determined just to spend some time adding a few lines to an existing sketch, to keep my hand in and try to erode the wall that had built up between me and art-joy over the past couple of months. I was filled with fear, and a bit of self-disappointment; in the pit of my stomach I resented “having” to draw, felt that I was “over” the current project I’m working on, and judged myself for never having the follow-through to complete projects.
But by the end of the evening, before even, that wall had come crashing all the way down and I found a renewed vigour and investment in not just this drawing project, but many others. Now, of course, I’m just back to the old quandary of not enough hours in the day for all that I want to do.
I’ve also had some really nice compliments over the past few days from a few of the readers (a group size less than my fingers!) of the blog, letting me know that my writings were resonating with them. That’s honestly not something I expected. I’m not speaking out of false modesty, or hope for more “no no, honestly you’re great” comments, but I didn’t really think what I was writing here was all that impactful outside of my own head.
So, I shared it with some people because … for a few different reasons, I guess:
- I wanted to make a slightly more public commitment to staying alcohol free than just to myself.
- I wanted to have a kind of a shortcut to saying: “Here I am, this is me, I am yours and everything you see.”(*)
- I wanted to explore what it meant to be truly honest and myself in front of an audience – even a small one.
That’s it, really for the sharing reasons. The writing reasons are all the usual ones:
- A space to get stuff out of my brain and help me examine it myself.
- An oak into which to shout about my donkey’s ears.
- Space to vent hurts, worries and negative feelings so that I don’t have to carry them in myself all day long.
- A reminder-space, so that I can recommit each day to the path I’m trying to clear for myself.
But, especially with that last “reminder” point, I figured the reading of it must be fairly boring and repetitive. And because I’m essentially brain-dumping here (and I don’t usually re-read, because I’m lazy) I also figured some of it must be pretty patchy and unreadable.
And maybe it is, but maybe there are still some thoughts that are reasonating with people all the same, and that is so bloody cool. I guess for all my introversion and social-anxiety triggered isolationism, I’ve got a human core that wants to connect with other humans.
It’s even made me contemplate the prospect of – at some stage – going public-public with this blog. I don’t know if I’ll ever do that though. I worry that such a jump would marr my ability to be as honest as I want to be.
But thank-you, thank-you people who’ve read and let me know that it’s been a positive experience for you. You know who you are, so I won’t name names. You’ve made my soul feel a bit more welcome in the universe. It’s an amazing feeling to have some of my naked feelings standing here on these pages, and have them not only accepted, but appreciated.
I feel a little bit less alien today.
(*) Tindersticks – My Sister