Thank God today is a coffee day. I’ve been dragging the net of sleep along behind me ever since I woke 2.5 hours ago, and there seemed to be a headache and a sore throat caught in it, so it’s an uh-uh to running today. Even the children slept past the last alarm – just an all round exhausted household.
Listening to some Sparklehorse this morning – one of my favourite bands in the world, though they carry the slight taint of being introduced to me by, and listened to a lot with, Mr.X-in-Japan. Music is a pretty effective time-machine, for better and worse. Some stuff I’ve listened to so much, and through so many different phases of my life that it emerges from the sticky glue of the era it was introduced and then I get to hear it for what it means to me in the moment. But I have to wade through the all that instant-memory-pull for a good few listens to get there.
All the same, it’s pretty nice to have such direct and strong access to certain memories that I don’t think I’ve any other clear path too. Depending on the song, it can pull me into a mundane work-day, a melancholy walk, an exciting day out, a run, an evening cooking, a deep and meaningful conversation. I like the variety. When I do a “think back” all by myself, when I’m choosing which memories to access, it’s neither as potent nor as truthful; I’ll choose the “big” events, which while important, don’t necessarily reflect the whole of my life in a particular past era.
Anyway, Sparklehorse. If you don’t know ’em, you should really check them out.
I spoke with my sons’ pre-school teacher this morning. For the past few weeks they’ve been complaining about one particular kid in their class punching them and causing them grief. Now, they’re four, so “always and every day” to them could mean that it happened three times out of twenty. And a “punch” could be something innocuous – it’s not exactly as though they’re coming home injured or anything. But, y’know, they were saying it a lot, and regardless of what’s actually going on, I felt I had to say something to the teacher. One of the big things to me is that they told me and if I did nothing with that, then as they get older they might start to think “There’s no point in telling Mummy, she won’t do anything about it.”, so no matter what, I felt like I had to show them I’ve got their back.
But man, I felt so awkward. I felt like “that parent”. I’m pretty sure my guys get physical with other kids too – I mean, I know they do with their friends. And they don’t seem to mind when their friends are pretty physical back to them. The teacher let me know that the kid in question is the youngest in the class and joined the group late. And that also he really really wants to be friends with T. I had actually suspected that he was maybe a bit lonely /feeling left out. Sure, I know that doesn’t mean I can ignore him making my kids upset, but maybe I can talk to them about including someone who doesn’t have lots of friends and that might help them a little bit too.
At least they’ll know that when they tell me something, I’ll always take them seriously.
So now I’m thinking about the day ahead and all the things to do. I need to go to my doctor and talk about my debilitating menstrual cramps and other stomach issues. But because I’m not experiencing them right at the moment, I just don’t want to expend any time, energy or brain-space on them. Right now the day feels full of potential, but I know that it’s 4 hours to 2pm, and by then the day will be starting to feel mostly “over”, and I don’t want to start trying to squeeze a doctor’s appointment in there. It can wait until we get back from our Galway trip, right?
I battle between a near-hypochondriac worry that the various niggles, discomforts and pains I experience are symptomatic of something serious, and that I’m being negligent by not getting them checked out, and that time is of the essence and all of that – vs – telling myself to get over it, it’s most likely nothing, and waiting in a doctor’s office is a pain in the arse and a waste of time, and feeling embarrassed about even mentioning it.
Well, it will continue to keep draining my energy and focus if I don’t do something about it, so I will do the responsible thing and talk with the doctor. But probably next week.
Right. That means today is mine.