My brain feels empty of large thoughts and introspection. I’m feeling okay – good, content, even. I think I’ll leap into some bullets for a while to see what sparks out of me.
- It’s our wedding anniversary today (and yesterday too – we had a civil ceremony one day and a humanist ceremony the following day).
- I don’t think I believe in soul mates, but I do believe in the right person at the right time. I often think it was actually fortuitous that I didn’t meet my husband until I contained at least 50% less asshole than I did in college.
- I’m no longer consumed with the joy and potential in listening to ALL THE MUSIC. But I’m still enjoying listening to some of the music at least.
- I like feeling excited about the potential and brilliance of things although I can sometimes get a bit too overexcited about it and it can trigger a bout of depression when the feeling wears off.
- Equilibrium is hard. Even wanting equilibrium is hard.
- Those thoughts are reminding me of a school report from when I was 9 where I teacher described my tendency to get a bit “high” (no, not in the drug sense), so I guess it’s been something in my personality for a long time.
- We’ve some fun holiday plans today. I didn’t run this morning and I’m feeling very okay with that. But I’m also feeling a bit of laziness creeping into my attitude to exercise, so I want to hold that little nugget of awareness in me so that I don’t get too far from the fitness I’ve worked so hard to build up.
- That party is tonight. It feels like a black seed poisoning my future a bit. I don’t really want to go, as such, but I feel too strong of a societal pressure not to. Maybe it will be fine, but I would have been delighted to just spend a lovely low-key anniversary dinner with my husband, wander town in his company, then skip back home for an early night and bed.
On the “pro” side, there are a lot of people that I’m interested in seeing that will be there.
On the “con” side, there are a number of people that I feel very awkward about seeing who will be there.
Another “pro”: It’s an opportunity to be uncomfortable whilst staying sober and accept that feeling and allow it to move through me. I have a small nugget of curiosity about the the “do not want” part of the night; there’s some benefit in doing the hard things.
- I’m feeling a little bit stuck artistically. The probable cure for that is to draw more.
- We had a lovely dinner out last night with long-time friends. I still feel sort of uncomfortable in said friends’ presence because a longer history means a history of past fuck-ups too. I feel my past mistakes squatting in the back of conversations like soft, fat, stinking grey trolls.
Part of me feels I’d like to “clear them out”, but I think it’s best to leave them dissolve as newer growth and newer memories replace the old. That would happen more quickly if these were friends I saw more often.
More than anything, I recognise this awkwardness as my issue, and it’s a price of entry I’m willing to pay for the on-going friendship.
So there’s really nothing more to be done there.
- Eating on the go is proving a little difficult at the moment. I feel very conscious of foods that have made me feel unwell in the recent past, but then I start to question myself and accuse myself of “making it up” or being “melodramatic” or always having to have “something wrong”.
I’ll feel a lot calmer about the whole thing once I’ve had a chance to talk to the doctor about it and have some assurances that I’m taking the right approach and making the right decisions for my health.
- I place a lot of stock in personal responsibility. It’s a touchstone phrase for me and can spur me to action that I might otherwise feel unmotivated to take.
- There’s a task hanging over my head which may mean extra income for me, but I’m feeling a bit loathe to start it as it involves getting in contact with at least two establishments from my past, including Mr. X.
However (a): I have a responsibility to my family and adult behaviour to investigate it. and (b): Once I’ve done this thing, there is no reason to keep any avenue of contact open between myself and Mr. X and I’m starting to think it would feel really nice to close and lock that door – once I’ve processed all my shit for myself, and finished any adulting reasons for contact.
- 7 years of marriage. And I just want more and more.