Things I’m grateful for today:

  • My BMI finally slipped 0.1 points out of “Obese” and into merely “Overweight”. I presume it is in fact “severely overweight” given how close to the Obese line it is, but I’ll take it as a win.
  • I made homemade meatballs out of turkey mince rather than de-skinning sausages (because apparently the further meat gets from meat, the more palatable it becomes to four year-olds) and the children actually ate them! To adult mouths they were hideously close to sawdust, but liberal application of parmesan, jar spaghetti sauce (see below for my complaints of tired) and tabasco turned them into an acceptable source of sustenance.
  • I have jasmine green tea and a husband who has agreed to give me 45 minutes of uninterrupted tea and writing time. I’m currently closed into my bedroom, enjoying the sound of The Smurfs entertaining my children, and the sunlight through green leaves out the window, while I tap-tap-tap away here.
  • All the usual things too:
    • We are not ridiculously poor.
    • No known health issues (other than T’s teeth not being great, and my litany of minor woes).
    • We have enough food.
    • We have each other and we know we’re loved.
    • We have careers, hobbies and goals – even though it often feels as though we’re hard-pressed to have enough time for them
    • ALL the stuff that is horrible and such a huge chunk of the world’s population has to live with and we don’t (war, famine, tragedy, disease, poverty, hopelessness, lack of education …)

But am I acting like I’m grateful? Hell no. I am cranky and acting like a bratty, spoiled child; snapping at husband, children and dogs; littering my rants with graphic death threats to the lot of them.

I feel like I’m carrying a weighty cloud on my forehead, shoulders and neck, and I’m not entirely sure where this exhaustion has come from, which in turn triggers my anxiety and Death-Fear.

I’m feeling the overwhelm and bone-grinding boredom of the parenting world particularly strongly today. It’s been an intense few hours, and I hadn’t prepared myself properly, so I had a lot of “why the fuck can’t you just … ” moments today.

  • Why the fuck can’t you just …
    • Share with your brother
    • Eat what I give you
    • Stop whining
    • Get over it
    • Find your own solution
    • Stop fighting
    • Stop asking “but why?”
    • Be quiet for two minutes
    • Need someone other than me for two minutes.

It’s an unworthy and a pretty disconnected mind-set to slip into. And it doesn’t really do a lot to solve the immediate issues to turn snappish and cold with them. That just makes everyone feel bad, guilty, hurt, miserable and lonely. And also more crying and neediness. I know this – intellectually – but I found it so very difficult to break through the toddler-layer that seems to have sealed around my brain and heart today. There’s a voice whispering – no! a lie! not whispering – yelling – about what I deserve and “what about me, what about me, what about ME?! and my time and all that I’ve done and continue to do and I never get to … and it’s not fair

And so I’m not just dealing with two under-fives today, but three, if I include myself.

And I’m probably the most difficult and unreasonable of the whole bunch.

I think I’m feeling a bit resentful that the holiday was so busy. I was envisioning a lot of chilling out in the apartment, drawing and relaxing. Instead it was a pretty intense five days with a fair amount of driving, walking and lump loads of social interaction. We returned on the later side of early evening yesterday, I went flumph and did nothing for the evening. So this morning required a whole lot of admin around paperwork for the boys’ school next year, bringing them to school, collecting them early, driving to faraway dentist and back, collecting dogs (G. did that) despairing over the unpacked bags, the EU butter-mountain of unwashed clothes, the state of our plumbing, with only a trickle of incoming cold water and a toilet that appears to be uncloggable.

Yeah, I’m feeling a whole load of whatever the opposite of gratitude is right now. Ingratitude, I guess! And the bad feeling is really all down to me here. My brain is all “It’s too much! I didn’t sign up for this!” I’m tired of thinking about everything and trying not to forget everything and failing. But. Y’know. It’s all just perception, isn’t it? I can do better.

Maybe I’ll just wait ’til tomorrow and do better then, though.

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