I have a few different things on my mind this morning:

  • Ice-caps and the not too far away demise of our human habitable planet
  • My fear of doctors – which is not in the way you might think
  • Getting tired of my own certain statements.
  • Even more tired of others’ certain statements.

I don’t know which one is most on my mind. They’re all circled round in there like bits of flotsam, and every so often one settles into my forehead for a bit of panicked attention, momentarily driving out the dreary to-do list of a Tuesday.

Actually, thinking of anything other than the looming horror of climate change makes me feel a bit guilty. Like, what are we doing people? And why aren’t we doing more? And what difference can one family of four in Ireland make anyway? It’s so big. It’s such a fucking big deal that I can’t even comprehend the magnitude of the problem. We do the usual middle-class virtuous things. We recycle, carry own bags, cut up rings (well would if such things ever made it into our house), don’t flush pees unless there are visitors in the house, check the sustainability of our fish, eating less meat, etc. etc. We’re even planning on our new house being Passive, solar panels, rainwater gathering, the whole lot.

I’m just not sure if it in anyway balances the packaging from our weekly shop, driving out on day trips in our petrol car (I’d love a Tesla, but €€€€), dogs and added children, disposable nappies!, ever voting for any politician other than Green (even though they’re kinda useless), milk and the whole dairy industry!, eating chicken – even “free range” is not so free, leaving the tap run sometimes, filling a paddling pool, washing our clothes and selves as frequently as we do! And even if we were to come close to balancing the bad we four (plus 2 dogs) do to the environment, what about everyone else?

It needs systemic changes. It needs for systemic changes to have already happened about 30 years ago. And I feel really powerless in the face of that. So, I guess I’ll keep on with the small changes we make, in the hopes that it will become more normalised – that would help a bit worldwide – and try to do better too. I think the solution is not to shut our eyes completely, the absolute fucked uppedness of the world is not an excuse to do more harm instead.

All the same, it’s too big to carry the entire weight of it personally each day. Life can’t just stop because we’re all doomed to die. We’re all doomed to die anyway. We’re not going to prevent the heat-death of the universe either.

***

I’m not afraid of doctors as such, but I’m afraid of being dismissed as some kind of worry wart. I really want to err on the side of riding things out and getting better by myself wherever possible. But then I also am a worry wart, and I think it’s pretty pointless to spend weeks semi-panicking about something, only to end up visiting the doctor anyway. But that probably is pretty close to what I end up doing.

I think it’s related to having two parents in the medical profession who managed to fill our brains with all sorts of medical knowledge and worst case scenarios while at the same time dismissing any pains, quibbles or symptoms we had, unless our limbs were literally falling off.

In some logical part of my brain I think “Well, I’m paying the doctor for the time, so if it is an unfounded worry, then it’s still my time to spend having that unfounded worry.”. It’s just that logic doesn’t really work its way through to the emotional response part of my brain.

***

Do I sound as if I’m certain about things sometimes? Yesterday I was writing about small things and their benefits to me. I feel like I wrote in a very certain manner of their absolute benefits – not just for me, but for everyone.

Sometimes this form of writing and seeking for things that make life sustainable for me, lends itself to my making sweeping certain statements. There’s a sort of comfort in certain statements. Maybe it hearkens back to being a toddler and splitting the world into absolutes. Actually, for me, it hearkens back to last year and splitting the world into absolutes. Or to yesterday. Or to the last emotion I felt.

I’m working on it.

But yeah, sorry for the times I’ve written things as if they are definite truths that apply to everyone in every situation everywhere. I hate that shit.

Also, it’s likely they barely apply to me beyond the minutes I’ve spent writing about them.

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