I feel a bit like I’m doing everything wrong at the moment. I’m going down the wrong path and making the wrong choices. All wrong wrong wrong.
I feel off, disconnected, unhopeful. And, as I mentioned yesterday, I would very easily believe that I have felt this way – if not forever, then at least for a very long time. I am uncomfortable and misplaced in my body. I don’t want to look at it. I don’t want to feel clothing pressed against it. I definitely don’t want to engage in naked sexy times, because I don’t want anyone else seeing my body, and I don’t want to be connected to it or reminded of it. If I can just move through my days staying all cerebral and detached, then I won’t have to think about it, I won’t have to live through my extreme self-disappointment.
Except my brain isn’t that stupid. I’ll still feel all that self-loathing. It’ll just get compartmentalised, and come out in other illogical ways that surprise me and hurt others.
Lab results came back negative for a secondary infection, yet I’m still advised to finish the second course of antibiotics. I felt kind of disappointed that there wasn’t a second infection to contend with – no, I don’t want to be sick. I can say with absolute certainty that my number one choice is to be completely healthy. However, absent that choice, I’d be content with an explanation for whatever weird painful symptoms I have going on. My mother says it’s possible that there would be a lingering infection that is now not showing up in the sample due to the first anti-biotic. There’s also the possibility that I got a viral infection just as I was recovering from the kidney infection.
Anyway, enough of all that. I’m so very tired of lingering around in medical worrying. I’ve completed all the responsible adult steps that I can. I’ve even taken the whole week off running. I’m going to try to get back to my life as best I can.
I’ve also decided to drop out of the 31-Day Drawing Challenge in terms of matching their topics. I’m still going to attempt to draw every day that I can, just not necessarily on the bitty challenge topics that are given. It’s not furthering my progress on the things I want to be working on, and at the same time it’s become a kind of a “chore” that’s making me feel cranky and like I have to get it completed.
It’s also been feeding a very unhealthy part of me in the ego-land of Facebook, as I crave the ding-ding-ego-ding of Facebook likes and comments.
I want to be careful, all the same, that I don’t just drop out of everything drawing and creativity related. My over-all mood will probably swing up again in a couple of days as the pain recedes and my hormones settle down. Objectively, from a distance, I can see that I’ve actually been having better and more stable upswings more of the time. I just can’t really feel or believe it right now. It’s probably not the best time to be trusting my lizard-brain instincts.
Time to focus on the small, pleasant things in life for a little while. And also maybe to prescribe some scheduling for myself, lest I sit around moping going “I’m broken! I can’t! I won’t! I don’t have to! It’s not fair!”.
I remember, I remember that this is the type of mood that had previously triggered self-medication through alcohol. I would even justify it as “coping”. And I don’t feel too harsh with myself over that. It was a form of coping. At the very moments that I was drinking, i felt a little more optimistic. I got to be King for a Day, imaginating all the wondrous things I was going to accomplish once I finally got my shit together.
Hey, universe! I kinda got my shit a little together, didn’t I? Wasn’t there a tacit agreement that stuff would start working out for me once I did that? What about your end of the bargain?
A whole lot of questions and no answers are swirling ’round in my head right now: Am I doing enough? Should I lean in? Isn’t leaning in a whole bunch of patriarchal crap? What would Col. Chris Hadfield do? Where do I want to get to? Should I come off Facebook? I know I should come off FB, but can I justify my addiction some way so that I don’t have to do it just yet?
I know there are some sensible next things to do, but for right now, for today, I’m going to breathe and smile and do small things.