My brain is really directed towards solutions and doings at the moment. This morning I’ve been thinking things like that I should really give up sugar (or cut back significantly), that I should go on a Facebook fast, that I should restart my morning 15-minutes of yoga habit.
All of these are healthy choices. All of these are things that will help with my emotions and their regulation. But they’re all also bandaids. They’re a reaction to the fact that I don’t feel very copey at the moment, that I’m not feeling like I’m enough in and of myself, and rather than stay with that feeling in any way whatsoever, I want to run flat out and get myself the hell out of my head.
A change is absolutely as good as a holiday, and I’ve no doubt that changing things up would probably help enough for long enough for the bout of whatever I’m currently going through to pass.
I’m having a dose of tearfulness and disconnection that’s outside of the cyclical hormonal issues that tend to exacerbate matters. So, that’s okay. I can recognise that. I can be pretty glad that I’m not drinking alcohol at the moment (even though this brain-state definitely triggers the desire to add alcohol into the mix) or else I’m guessing I’d be triggering delusions and dysphoria. I think I’m even okay with the fact that this is happening “without reason”. I do tend to search for a “why” that can be tenuously related to whatever mood dysfunction that might be taking place. It’s reassuring to have a why, it helps me recognise that it will pass.
There probably is some deep buried “why” inside my physical body. Maybe it’s diet, the amount of sunlight I’m getting; some mystical combination of sugar levels and sleep. I’m a big proponent the “sleep” solution to be honest. I’ve not been getting great sleep in the past few weeks and I’m irritable and on edge throughout the days. I feel like I’m a half-step away from the world shifting into that surreal disconnected one I’ve experienced from time to time.
I’m feeling kind of okay about this bout of not feeling so okay. I’m not experiencing that desolate panic of “am I destined to be like this forever?”. Coz, I already know the answer is both yes and no – I am made up in such a way that I’m going to cycle in and out of difficult mood states probably for all my life. But they’re getting more familiar and recognisable to me, and the knowledge that they will pass is really helpful. It’s no longer as terrifying as it used to be.
I am going to start down the path of some of the solution-focused things I mentioned above. I’m going to start yoga anyway – that helps keep me more mindful, and more mindful will help with sugar consumption and maybe with sleep. That’s the responsible approach to take, and it’s the adult thing to do.
But I’m not ignoring and blotting out the me that is here and now experiencing what I’m experiencing. I guess I believe that there’s more going on here than just physical brain chemistry. I believe that there’s a whole bunch of psychological archaeology to do, and recent therapy sessions have been excavating pretty deep – in fact, yesterday we touched in on some of the bedrock of my feeling of self. I had a pretty intense panic attack with cold sweats and shivers running through me. I guess if I’m looking for part of the “why” of my mood, that could be a contributor for sure – although I was already on the path before yesterday’s session.
Okay, so anyway, I feel like there’s a lot going on in my mind beneath the layer of what I’m writing here. Stuff that’s making sense to me in a feeling way, as I edge towards a solution that’s going to work for me in my life as it exists right now. This is one of those posts that I suspect is not going to be of much value outside of helping me sort through the tangled web of my own mind.
I’m okay with that, but I guess I do feel a bit of an obligation to explain it to my readers, or even apologise a little bit.
Thanks for following along if you’ve done so so far. I think I’ve done enough brain-spelunking for the morning. Now I’m going to do a little swimming in the waters above the caves for a while.
Have a good day.