So I guess the universe was karmically listening to me or something, because tonight’s dinner with friends is cancelled. Was I looking forward to it? I was in a lot of ways, but it was also painted with a veneer of people-worry, and other anxieties.

So now I’ve got that cancelled-plans adrift feeling. On the heels of the cancelled dinner, I cancelled a visit from my niece with whom I’d planned a day of maths tutoring, and she to later babysit. But with the boys running amok and no need for later babysitting, it makes more sense to save that plan for a day next week when my sister’s other kids will be around to watch mine while we go through the maths stuff.

So, there are a few ragged tips of plans running through my mind as to what I could do today. That’s just about the best way to plan for an aggravated disaster of a day, of course. It means I’ll get nothing done fully, yet somehow I’ll hold the expectation that I’ll get all of those half-formed notions executed to perfection.

I feel tired at even the thought of planning the day. It just all feels a bit flat and boring.

  • Finish writing here
  • Cut children’s nails (yes it’s a big enough task to merit its own bullet)
  • Everyone get dressed (the thought of which makes me feel like shooting myself!)
  • Try to find about ten things to occupy them while I hoover, laundry, pick-up the devastation that they’ve created since being dressed, clean bathroom, etc.
  • Switch activity every 20 minutes before it turns from calm and entertaining to disaster and destruction.
  • Ineffectually attempt to feed them a lunch that holds any kind of nutritional value at all.
  • Take bus into town to just change things up.
  • Come home exhausted to face into cooking a dinner. Salmon and homemade chips. They won’t eat it, I won’t love it. I’m already so bored at the thought of it.
  • Fail to run, even though I wish to run, because there’ll be no time before dinner and too full after dinner.
  • The evening is set aside for date-night. I already feel cranky.

It’s this constant feeling of having to plan and make decisions, but having those decisions thwarted and defending them even though it’s all such crappy trivial stuff that I really don’t care! And yet, it’s setting up everything for the longer term. So I have to get it right during these boring drizzly days. I can’t just leave them watching iPads and eating cookies and ice-cream for the day. I mean, obviously I could. One day like that wouldn’t kill them or anything. But then they’d expect it another day, and two days would be bad, even if they weren’t in a row, and I’d be no further down the path of turning them into some kind of decent adults, in fact steps would have been taken backwards.

And anyway, amn’t I supposed to be revelling in the joy of experiencing their all too fleeting childhood?

I am too busy mourning the end of my all too short sleep-time right now.

Okay, but look, self: it’s in your attitude. There have been times when you’ve found joy in folding clothes and hoovering dog fluff, I know this because I was there and I saw you! A trip on the bus with four year olds is actually kind of exciting and delightful and you can get to see it all through their eyes.

think a run might save me. If I get a chance to go for a run in the afternoon – maybe around their lunchtime? Okay, maybe this is the thing – without that run, the whole day is about stuff outside of me, about serving others. And it’s good to serve others; it’s important to have that as part of how I exist in life. But I need me too. I need something that’s just for me, and not at the end of the day like something added on as an afterthought.

I guess I get to start the day with my writing of these blog posts and that’s something for me, but if the rest of the day is just a trial I have to endure to get to relaxation and sleep at the end of it, I’m likely to be a very unpleasant human to be around.

I’m picking a mid-afternoon run as something that will refill my “me” and carry me through. And now the shine from that promise is lighting up the rest of the day on either side.

Still tired, but feeling a bit brighter with that plan in mind.