As I’ve mentioned before, I read other people’s blogs and writings and get the envy. Not their writing prowess or anything like that. The content.
I bore myself sometimes, living in this same brain day in, day out. I guess maybe that’s what social interaction with other humans can be good for; it allows you to see yourself from another perspective for a while. Although, of course, it can be subject to huge misinterpretation, and I tend to counter balance that with an enormous dose of self-loathing of the “why would you even think that person might like you/respect you/think you’re funny?” kind.
Anyway, I took a moment to be a little nice to myself in my thoughts a day or so ago with this thought: “I’m writing every single day. There’s bound to be repetition. It’s bound to be a little bit same-ish and there probably are some good thoughts in here, it’s just that they’re not concentrated into one distilled and cohesive essay type thing.”
And I guess it’s worth reminding myself that I’m not writing this for you. Sorry reader! I am getting all my self indulgent wankery out here on the screen so that I can pick my sorry ass up and get it through the rest of the day. So, while part of me feels compelled to apologise for how whiney, self-concerned and in-focused I am here, another part is pretty “Sorry, not sorry!” about it.
I think I’d love that feeling of grandiosity I’d get from expounding on great thoughts, or having calm, wise insight. I have none of this. I’m just a pretty flawed human (or a good approximation thereof) feeling my way through the complex maze of life. Some days I feel like I’ve figured out a small section and it gives me hope for the larger thing and I end up feeling amazing like I’m flying on wings. Then other days … some calf-height sharp stone knocks me in the shins, knocks me to the floor, scrapes up my composure, and I’m downed and down and can’t imagine how I’ll ever navigate further. Sometimes it feels like I’ve blundered into a trap-door that’s sent me all the way back to the beginning of this life-labyrinth. Sometimes I get lucky and what seemed like a set-back actually turns out to be a short-cut.
Anyway, having milked that metaphor for all it’s worth, I think you get the picture: fumbling, blind man, lucking out, crashing and burning, doing my best.
All-in-all, today’s a pretty straight-backed, face-forward optimistic day. I had a night out last night for Cork-birthday celebrations. My actual birthday is on Friday and I’ll be down in Kerry in the bosom of my family. Last night was pizza and boardgames and a cake that I made (which I didn’t like, so I’ll be tweaking that recipe, but others seemed to enjoy it and I’m determined not to break that with “they’re just being polite”s and the like) in the nice atmosphere of this pub. It was good. People turned up and it was low-key and nothing over the top. And during the day time I visited this wildlife park and got to hand-feed a rhino because one of my friends is in charge of hoof stock there.
I drank two non-alcoholic beers, the backs of which said “0.5%” alcohol, but the front of which said “alcohol free”. I think that’s good enough. Actually, they were really nice for alcohol free beers – less sugary and gassy than some of the other brands. But, yeah, I thought a bit about that 0.5%. And then I thought about the 5% alcohol craft beers that I used to drink and how I’d have to drink ten bottles of these to equal even one of those, those that I would have very happy downed 5 or 6 of on a celebratory birthday night!
So, I guess in terms of alcohol effect those guys are fine. But there’s a niggle in the back of my head that wonders if I went for them very often, would the old bad habits rear up? Might they trigger the return of my desire to drink alcohol? I don’t think so, but all the same I won’t be seeking them out and having them in my home. There’s nothing really to “replace” there when it comes to alcohol. Two was enough – more than, even. One or two sugary or citrusy icy drinks if a sunny day, sparkling water as my default drink of choice … yeah, that’s all right. That’s correct. That’s what I desire.
Driving onwards to Friday and 40 and I am actually feeling like I might be the one at the wheel. At least some of the time.