Black holes on the internet this morning: haircuts, half-marathon training plans, food plans, giving up caffeine, giving up salt. I am avoiding looking up any medical symptoms. I spent the latter half of yesterday evening feeling thoroughly rotten and I still have no explanation. I’m feeling 80% better this morning, but I’m forgoing a run out of caution.

Running has fallen away a bit this past month – probably unsurprisingly given back injury, time down in parents’ house, G away and now the rush before the return. So, I’m going to get organised and put a plan in place for my running in the coming year. And I’m going to be super chill about when the plan doesn’t work out. And I’m not going to get frustrated in the least.

Yeah. Totally.

Meeting up with friends (hopefully) tonight for drinks. However, there’s just the three of us, I’m not drinking, I think another of us may also be leaning towards going alcohol free in her life, and I presume the third did plan on having a drink or two. So, I don’t know how that’s going to play out. I was saying to my therapist on Tuesday that after about two months alcohol free I kind of wanted to tell everyone – although I held back because I wanted to get to my 100 days “marker”. And now I’m well past that (138 days now – I just counted because I had no idea. Probably time to start to move to weeks (19 + 5) or months (4 + 15days). I don’t really count, and I’ve also lost the impetus to tell people. I don’t know how important it is to tell people. Previously when I’ve not wanted to tell, it’s because I was scared I’d fail and be embarrassed and then it would be a whole thing. Now it’s because I know I’m not going to fail, and can’t I just not do a thing and it not be a big deal. Others in my family “don’t really drink” (that is the exact phrase that’s used) and it’s no big deal, only commented on in the same way as you might say “oh, he doesn’t eat cream”.

Anyway, I guess it might come up tonight. For once I’m feeling like I mightn’t hate discussing it with those particular people who are going tonight. Maybe it even helps to be “in the majority” if 2/3 of us are staying alcohol free.

I’m also off to get my hair cut – exciting! The purple I got in June has faded to a gorgeous pink with silver highlights and I actually love it at the moment, but I need to get a “school ready” haircut, so I’m looking to go platinum blonde, and I just want a nice neat pixie cut. But I am, as previously mentioned, fat – with a fat that tends towards the round on my thinnest days, so I’m not sure of the suitability of the haircut I want. I mean, suitability in terms of getting the desired effect, coz screw anyone else’s opinions on how I wear my hair (except for the board of management of the school where I work, I guess, otherwise I’d be keeping the pink and silver).

I’m feeling kind of weight conscious at the moment too. You might think it’s in a “good” way because I’m feeling some glee about having dribbled down another droplet of digits on the scale, but … I don’t think it’s all the healthier to be happy in my weight obsession as opposed to disappointed. Sure, it feels better to be happy about it, but it still means that I’m allowing my emotions to be dictated by a number. No, it’s not an arbitrary number, yes it has meanings for “health” and all of that, but it’s not the health aspects that I’m happy about here – that’s just a happy side-effect. I’m wrapped up in the appearance of it. I’m wrapped up in “pride” of having gone down another notch, like that somehow validates my current life choices and makes me a “better” person. I’m cloaked in a smug joy that I’ll be heading back into the school year as a thinner and fitter person than the one who left. I’m wearing a happiness that is tied into an external metric, and can be snatched away from me some PMT bloated day, when all of what I’m doing is countered by water weight and salt intake.

It feels appropriate that I should be getting a little weight loss and more clothing comfort as part of the lifestyle changes I’ve been making  –  no alcohol and running more. But I still binge on food, and I still choose huge portions and eat late at night when I’m not hungry. All is not well on this watchtower. Yet! Yet. I plan to get better, etc.

Tomorrow, right?

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