Last night was late due to social contract. I met up with friends at one of their houses. They drank wine, I drank non-alcoholic beer. I “came out” about my decision to be alcohol free for all the time now. There was lots of lovely chats, and then around 1am they degraded somewhat into repetition and interruptive nonsense. I got home around 3am as I was designated driver. I dropped my friend off to reassurances that she was definitely Park Running at 9:30 this morning. I considered going too, but I wasn’t drinking and it was still going to be far too little sleep for me.
Anyway, it was actually lovely – even the unnecessary tail of the night wasn’t unpleasant by any means – I was just tired and ready to go home. I’m still a little under-sleeped for the past couple of weeks and I’m resenting it slightly. Ha! I’m so much better rested than the old drinking me would have been. But I guess I’ve just come to expect more, and I am really recognising how a lot term dearth of sleep can really mess me up.
I also got a new hair cut that involved a lot of burning bleach (disappointed in that as I’ve some leaky areas on my scalp, but that is hopefully temporary) and is a bit “on the line” in terms of being acceptable at school, but I really love it and feel confident and cool and youthful with it. I got a lot of social media affirmation, which I know, I know, I shouldn’t be letting that get to me in a good or bad way. But, y’know. Compliments are nice.
So, today is pretty much scheduled to the hilt. The advantage is I don’t have guilt-spiders climbing me over the lack of housework and school prep. The disadvantage is I’m going to be a bit drained and … well, I was about to say I’m likely to get irritable and snappish over timing and stuff like that, but how’s about I don’t do that? How’s about I take some time to check in with myself and pause and breath during the day? What might it be like to be open and accepting to what the day brings and how it unfolds?
When I have a detailed, planned day like today is, I think I can often paint such a vivid picture of how it’s going to unfold, and then get kind of thrown and not the best coper when it inevitably deviates from that imagining. Like, even the plan to go running this morning has a “time” associated with it, and I’m already super behind on that schedule, and that has a little pot of irritability brewing deep in my belly.
So, there is time, and I have time to finish my words, and we probably won’t want to leave the house for the next thing on our list ’til after lunch, and there is time. The same amount of time is going to be expended on faffing and organising children regardless of whether I’m stressed and irritable about it or not. I sometimes get this anxious wound-up feeling in my legs when no-one else in the house seems to be making motions towards getting the day going. And by “no-one else” I guess I mean my husband, because obviously the children aren’t going to organise shit for anyone.
Interestingly, when he was gone on his recent work trip, the lack of expecting him to do things actually felt me less stressed, even though I had to do more things. I wasn’t (unfairly) expecting someone to read my mind and then getting pissed off when it inevitably didn’t happen. Within a day of his return, I noticed myself stepping back from things I was perfectly capable of doing if I wanted them to happen and being irritated that he wasn’t mind-reading and doing them for me.
Like, even something small like getting the boys’ toothbrushes at night – a crucial step in the whole “getting them to bed” process. Because bedtime is always at least ten minutes later than tooth-brushing. I know this. And I know what time I want them to go to bed of an evening, and instead of just getting the toothbrushes, I would silently seethe over the fact that they hadn’t magically materialised during a particular window I had expected.
And. It’s not like I was doing anything else. I was just setting myself up for resentment and irritation just because … I don’t know. Because I guess there’s an image out there of the perfectly oiled marriage, the perfectly synched couple who sail through their lives anticipating each other’s needs and moods without ever having to say something.
What complete and utter bullshit.
Hey, self. If you’re thinking something or have a need, try communicating it. Things might be a lot nicer for everyone if you do that.