Did I take things too far in my eking of every last drop of relaxation out of the time? I haven’t thought of classes or schemes or extras … well, I’ve thought about them, but I’ve not done a single thing about them.
Now though. Tomorrow I’m giving a presentation to PME students, so that means today is “Now” and it’s time to do some school work. You know what? I’m actually looking forward to it. I’m ready to do work, to set my brain to imagining how others see the world and to try and weave paths for them through the dense-packed forest of a problem and work their way through – whether through elegant solutions or machete-hacking of the thing. Different approaches can get the desired result.
I have mild apprehension, but I’m not panicked. It’s okay. I think! I’ve got this. (I hope)
Over the last couple of days I’ve been wondering about this blog and how much I need it anymore. They say (seriously? “They”?) that the point when you start to reject a tool is just when you’re about to need it the most. It’s a bit Sand People and Jesus. (That’s so obscure that I may be the only one who knows what I’m referencing there. No matter, it wasn’t a particularly good joke anyway.)
I feel like I’m not writing anything new or interesting. I feel like I’m dancing about on the surface of things saying “I’m fine, I’m fine” and sometimes I’m even rolling about a bit like a pig in the mud of my fineness.
I actually am very “Surface-Fine” now. And even down a few feet, I’m doing pretty good. I’m no longer moving through life in complete anxiety and tension, clinging white-knuckled to the reins of acceptability and sanity. I’m good, I’ve got the basics down.
And for the moment, having the basics is feeling really good and I’m not even feeling like I want to go deeper. I guess I’m a bit afraid I might rock the boat and lose this hard-won peace and calm I’ve gained for myself. Even if it doesn’t go all the way down, it’s a pretty hardy surface-layer. Or so it seems at the moment.
But what about all the other stuff deeper down? The stuff I don’t think about day to day – the stuff I don’t need to think about day to day? I’m not talking about the regular recurring depressions – I can ride those out, battening down my hatches. That’s actually the opposite of what I’m considering here. When it comes to those recurring bouts, I lock things down even further, bury things deeper and wrap myself up even more in the daily sameness that can be both a refuge and a slow death.
But what if I were to open stuff up more?
What would happen if I were to go digging around in the sea-caverns of my childhood traumas, or even my 20s aged traumas? What would happen if I cut into my core to drag out all that sadness and hurt and uncoiled the curled up parts of me?
Would it exorcise some demons? Would I walk through the world a lighter person, with some surgery scars for sure, but ultimately healthier and less fragile?
Or would it destroy me?
Maybe it would just fuck me up a bit in the short term and then in the longer run, I’d get to be that better stronger person. But would that be worth it? Am I so bad as I am? Do I need to address any of it? Isn’t it just fine where it is?
And sometimes I think I’m scared there’s nothing even there. That I have these pockets of black feeling in my heart, head and guts, but when I go to unravel them all I’ll find is dust. Hurts done to a child-me that no longer mean anything, however big they were at the time.
But they still feel secret and shameful.
I feel ashamed for having been so hurt by small things that I can see with adult eyes were never personal.
It was rarely, if ever, about me.
That hurts too. And it feels shameful too.
Old grievances feel like blame, but I don’t think I feel like blaming anyone. I just want to hear from a smaller, less coping me. But this space is public, and I’m not sure about writing here about perceived grievances that others might read through a blame-filter regardless of my intent.
So, I don’t know. We might dance about on the surface of things for a long time here. I’m okay with that for a while, if you are.