One week down!

I’m feeling a bit sleep-deprived and low on will power. The boys woke several times in the night and I got cranky with G. for inadvertently waking me just as I was drifting off last night.

Sleep, or rather its lack, is one of the surest triggers I can identify for migraines and IBS symptoms. But does that mean I take better care of getting myself to sleep? Well, in honesty I can’t say just yet. I’ve been up late-ish during the past week but it was honestly down to stuff that literally had to be done on the given nights.

I’d hoped to wake for an early morning run today and while wake I did, run I didn’t. After such a disturbed night I couldn’t summon the will-power to forego an extra 40 minutes of splintered sleep, and I’ve an appointment with a student coming up at 10 am – viewing her LC script which is not something I’ve done before. Then I guess I’ll be making a recommendation as to whether she should send it to be rechecked or not. Big responsibility.

The whole job feels like a lot of responsibility around the terminal exam. In the US I get the sense (maybe wrongly) that more of the responsibility for getting into universities and other third level institutions is on the kids themselves. Here it really ends up feeling like it’s the teacher’s job to do it. Well, if they get good results, it’s all them, if they get bad results it’s all us.

Is that the standard “teacher whine”? Has my perspective just gotten completely skewed because of being in the profession. Bias.

I just took a break there because I remembered that while I scanned in a “Not Funny, Just True” update I never put it up on the website.

I only have two drawings in the “bank” right now and they’re not inked, so I need to make space for drawing time if I’m to keep going with this project. And I really want to keep going with this project.

There are a million things vying for priority in my mind right now. I feel like I’m responding to life a lot at the moment rather than making choices about it. And that pushes me into Pointy Plague Doctor slavedom. He says “This thing is urgent”. He says “Do more and don’t you dare rest because life will fall apart if you don’t keep going.”. He’s wrong though. He reacts to whatever’s in the immediate environment and responds as if the most recent thing is the most important thing. It’s like he has a proximity alarm or something and it sets off a smoke bomb inside of him that obscures everything outside of the immediate vicinity. And then there’s a lot of running around in circles dealing with seemingly important and urgent things until I get exhausted and fall down.

It can be difficult to assign an importance to something like laundry though. Like, there’s a definite impact on life to leaving it there. There’s even an impact to leaving it ’til Gar does it. I do get a small thrill out of opening a drawer full of neat rows of folded, unwrinkled clothes. But is it worth the time it takes?

But another question – don’t I really have that time? We had a staff session on self-care, and one of the things that cropped up in my brain during it wasn’t that I run out of time the way others were claiming, it’s more that I run out of energy, and will. There are maybe not enough hours in the day to everything I feel should be possible, but it’s not like I can even find that out, because I “waste” so much time by being “done”. I get tired out after (I estimate) 5 things done in the day, and then I can do nothing more than eat and watch and passively ingest the results of others’ creativity, and dream and imagine and fantasise about a future version of myself who doesn’t squander their potential.

It’s not a lot different to what I did when drinking except now I do it without alcohol.

I can’t help feeling like I could be doing all of this (where “this” = “life”) smarter if not better. I feel like I’m missing some obvious trick, and when I wake in the morning all filled with optimism and drive and hope, every day feels like this could be the day that I manage to utilise my day as it should be. And then I do five things. And then I’m exhausted. But not sleepy.

I dunno, I guess I’m just waiting for things to change on their own, but that’s not likely to happen, is it?

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