The weekend is dragging on me a little. Despite having broken the seal on teaching a class or two, I’m still nervous about the coming weeks and unknowns in my job for the year – mainly the Young Scientist and Robotics stuff. I guess I’ve a clearer picture about the latter than the former, but they’re still new courses to teach and both of them have some up-front deadlines.
I’m not happy that the training course this Thursday will cause me to miss a day of classes including double-sixth years. I have a lot of anxiety around the Young Scientist special option and getting their proposals in on time and I’ve not even had the chance to really familiarise myself with the scale of the problem and what’s required of them to begin with.
And the other teacher who’s involved in it with me is a new teacher, so I am the more senior of the pair?! That’s not how this was supposed to go!
So, I’m just venting out a bit here. It’s a way for me to get the turmoil of anxiety out of my body, onto a page or a screen. And even to notice that (hopefully) the problem isn’t so insurmountable as I’ve feared.
Well, I think the pendulum of fear will continue to swing its arc across my soul for the next couple of weeks. Then we’ll be in the swing of things and longer term across the year it will actually be more sustainable.
I’ve let my painting slip by the wayside. I was mean to get some inking done last night, but I spent my time and energy organising email addresses for my 6th years instead.
Fear is making me short tempered and lazy. I guess lazy isn’t quite the right word because it’s more like I’m paralysed. My to-do list feels a bit overwhelming, and I know the right thing to do is to check in with my “open loops” document and choose my priorities for the day. It just doesn’t feel like enough. When I don’t check in with my Open Loops, nothing feels like that much of a priority and so I do nothing while all the time carrying this sense of inadequacy and dread.
So, just check in with the open loops, right? I guess I’m afraid of what I’ll find there. I’m afraid that the next priority isn’t an easy thing or something I can “just do” and that I’ll fail. So? If I do nothing I’m assured of failure, right?
I guess it’s not so logical. I’m just responding to an emotion that I’m refusing to even examine.
Okay, maybe I’m examining it here.
Maybe there’s even a really strong parallel to draw here between my Open Loops of things that need to get done at some time, my refusal to use the tool that I know helps me, and my refusal to meditate – to use yet another tool that will help me; shying away from awareness because … why? Because – I think – I dread what I’ll find. I dread the unknown and my inability to cope with it.
And the thing is, the ironic thing is that by ignoring these various aspects all I’m doing is guaranteeing the worst possible outcome for myself.
I think I’ve talked myself into a run through my loops when I’ve finished writing here, at least. And I’ve talked myself into a 20 minute meditation session later today. You see, I’m already feeling anxious about the energetic hours in the day. It’s 10 to 10 and while that’s early, I feel so conscious of the day slipping away.
After dinner, before the boys’ bedtime. That’s best for meditation – it’s a hollowed out time when I generally feel tired and sleepy and ready to throw the whole day in the bin, declare it a wash and claim I’ll start anew, shiny and clean in the potential of the next day.
It’s amazing how little of the day has to pass for the day to feel soiled. This day hasn’t even reached 10am and I’m already feeling like I’ve squandered its potential; like I have to chase my tail now to even make it feel “not a failure”, rather than the success it could have been.
I write things off far too quickly.
Hey! Life is not a video game. We can’t jump off a building and restart the level. No-one gets maximum points – certainly not when judged by each’s own metric.
Time is every flowing forward. Sleep is not squandering. This day has potential, but screw thinking about days, this life has potential.
So let’s have a look at what I think I should be doing and set my focus on the important.