I was kind of hoping that I’d wake this morning to a certain email in my inbox. The details are kinda unimportant – specific to my job and a little boring to explain, so let’s skip over those for the time being. The important thing is this; I’d planned my Sunday to perfection; it went swimmingly – relaxed, productive, family-time and creative-time achieved – you know, all the stuff I claim to aspire to. Some of the Sunday planning spilled into, nay relied on, my scheduling for today, Monday. Then at 9pm an email came through tweaking that schedule and throwing my plans into disarray.
So, here’s the thing, the tweak didn’t actually throw my plans into disarray. It just requires a relatively small adjustment, means I won’t be having lunch at home, etc. etc. but really I can deal with it. I just don’t feel like I can deal with it. It’s Headbutting Baby Elephant, clomping about saying “The Sky is Falling” and allowing a small change to completely throw me off course.
I’m obsessing about not only the changes to today, but the potential long term impact if this tweak is permanent (something I should also be able to absorb, but Baby Elephant won’t hear of that kind of talk – butt! and I’m flying of my path!). Then, as I’m in the “panicking about the future” space anyway, I might as well obsess and panic about Thursday and the following Wednesday, and what about Christmas, or February, or … or …
You get the general idea.
My house is not built on a rock.
I went to sleep a little later than I’d therefore planned, having spent a couple of hours allowing myself to be looped up. I utilised the tool of a guided meditation and it worked as advertised. I slept well and woke feeling refreshed enough to start my writing before the rest of the household wakes.
See, self?! The sky wasn’t actually falling. Still, when I went to check my email (and how could there be any change by 6am?) the lack of feedback to my request for change summoned baby elephant once more. BUTT!
I’m okay, it’s okay. I don’t need to get thrown off course like this. It’s only a baby elephant and I am a grown up. Oh Hallo “Should” thinking! Am I accepting this situation without value judgement? Well, for sure I can say that I’m not accepting the change to my schedule without value judgement. And that judgement seems to be “The Sky is Falling!!”.
Maybe the bump from Baby Elephant could feel more gentle, if I’m more planted in myself. Maybe it could feel like nothing more than feedback and information that alerts me to the multitude of paths that can be chosen given my new information. After all, I’m heading towards the same destination no matter what.
Assume I made a neat and clever segue here …
Last night I had a drinking dream. I was away somewhere, or my family was away, I can’t remember – dreams, you know. I was cooking dinner together with my friend K. And I just decided I was going to drink. There was a bottle of red wine on the table and I wanted to drink it while I cooked, and I presume I wanted to get drunk and merry and chatty and all the things that alcohol can bring into sharper focus. I don’t remember – dreams, you know.
I do recall that I had one glass of wine and felt a bit “what did I do that for?” about the whole thing. And then suddenly it was the next day (dreams) and I was travelling, but had to spend a waiting period in a pub and I was debating with myself about drinking. The “stupid logic” of “I had a drink last night, so I should be drinking again today” was uber-present, but there was a wiser adult voice present too. I didn’t want to drink, so I wasn’t going to. Nothing got broken from the glass of wine the previous night, and if I were to ever want a drink again I would.
This not drinking for me is not about a fenced in prison of deprivation. I have made a choice, but also I make the choice anew every day. Okay, in a way not every day, because the question doesn’t arise quite so frequently any more. But all the same, it’s an active and on-going choice. It involves being aware and mindful and being responsible for my own adult choices in the world. And those don’t have to be dictated by previous choices.
All the same, it was nice to wake to the ego-pile of alcohol free days, unbroken to this present moment.