Things I didn’t do yesterday: Meditate.

Things I did do that were kind of in the arena of staying  in my body, but also not really, but I’m clinging onto them as validation: Spoke with friends, groomed some of my body, took a few deep breaths and thought about what my body was feeling, spent some time drawing.

The time got away from me. My chosen window closed as my children moved into my bed earlier than I’d been anticipating. I had lots of other tasks I needed to get a bit of a handle on. I was drawing for fuck’s sake – don’t I get credit for that?!

It’s excuses and it’s excusing the same old thing – I don’t value it. I say that I’m placing a priority on it in my life, but that’s an outside promise, a logic promise. I need to do more than just set the intention in the morning, I need to follow through with reminders in the day – I don’t mean an alarm or something like that. I mean reminding myself of what I’m trying to accomplish, and what I believe about this. I believe it will help (I don’t believe that even as I type it right now). In the moment of the exhaustion of an evening, filled with thoughts of the upcoming week’s commitments, I am not going to believe that anything is more important and more likely to feel me better than one of two options (a) doing more work, (b) resting completely so that I regain energy to do more work.

And resting completely somehow will never encompass meditation. That’s a “to do” list item in my mind, but not one that will further my immediate agenda. It takes time and effort to remember that I’m trying to pick more Quadrant 2 stuff in my life, and yet I seem to find myself rushing around day after day, bouncing between Q1 and Q4. Panic! And relax-through-fir. Then panic!again!because!you!wasted!too!much!time!

Seems like not a good way to live your life, right? And yet, it’s got a surprising lure to it. Wait for the universe or some external deadlines to dictate what I have to do, and only “choose” to do relaxing “switched off” activities that you deserve because you’ve just spent so much time running around and putting out fires. It necessitates never really having to make a choice about what matters to you in life.

No matter that doors are getting constantly closed on options to do any number of things in my life, because I am not the one closing them. Well, not directly. Actually, my refusal to be involved in choosing my own life is exactly a choice in it’s own right. Life might seem like it’s just happening to you, but everything is the direct result of action or inaction taken.

Look, I’m not saying that = blame-blame-blame through one’s life. I know it might read that way. The universe is pretty messy and kind of complicated. Cancer happens to people. Job-loss and illness and unexpected pipe-explosions happen. Those things probably are down to some actions chosen /not chosen somewhere in the depths of history – but often not your direct actions, maybe even they’re the results of actions taken by generations-back ancestors or passers-by. Look, we’re a bit into butterfly wing territory here.

Now, the day-to-day shit is way easier to attribute, but even then I wouldn’t advocate blame. Blame is only a cheap side street to guilt, and it’s not productive even if it were earned. But the earning of it is complex too; so, I didn’t draw on a given night. Am I to blame? I say no. I say it was my choice. And it might even have been the right one for a particular night. I might have been way too tired or way too raw. Or I might just have defaulted to drifting along in the flow of whatever I was summoned to do and not done anything other than what demanded I stop reading Buzzfeed articles.

The thing I’m determined to change is not the distribution of blame, but of responsibility.  I’m not looking for something else to beat myself over the head with. I just want to start being more conscious about those choices.

Like this morning – I chose to write and complete my words before walking to school with my children. That means I’m running up against time when it comes to leaving the house in time. What I didn’t account for was my choice to lie in bed for (a mere!) extra 10 minutes before getting up.

If thinking about it I probably wouldn’t have chosen both. But as for now – I’m choosing to get going.