I’ve been thinking a little about patterns and purposes and overarching life themes. I’ve had a little more time than usual for thinking this morning with a day off work, children neatly packed off to school, and husband out running. Anyway, here’s what I’ve got: We’re all just doing our best to avoid thinking about Death.

Even more than thinking about death, I dislike thinking about how all we’re doing is avoiding thinking about it. It’s hard to shake the feeling that there must be more, there must be a purpose, there ought to be some over-riding reason for the whole shebang. Even if I individually don’t have a reason, surely humanity does? Surely I’m part of something bigger.

But hard and all as it is to accept our individual firefly-like existences, it’s even harder to realise that all our progenitors and progeny are equally eye-blinks in the vastness of the universe.

I can write these words, but I don’t buy it, you know. Maybe part of our evolution hard-wired the need to have faith or belief in a purpose for us humans. No doubt it’s been part of our survival technique. It’s probably even an attractive quality in a mate.

Is that all it is?

Have I written here before about what I believe?

I believe our human life-spans are just a part of “us” as more interesting and eternal multi-dimensional beings. Much like a flatlander would perceive an apple only in cross-sections, our instants are cross-sections of our full existence through time, and even that is merely a sliced off chunk of our greater wave-form selves. I imagine us existing as something akin to an eternal wave-function, this human life only slicing off an individual crest of it. Below the X-axis we simultaneously exist in other dimensions, in other lifetimes. Part of the same waveform, but so zoomed in that we don’t even realise it.

Oh look, I’m back here again. I’m back to this same point about how it’s important not to zoom in too much or zoom out too much. Wasn’t that what I was saying yesterday or the day before? Too much in, and you get wrapped up in pointless pettiness like disagreements with another human, or stupid endless obsessions with your weight and appearance. Too much out and you miss the mundane beauty of a sunrise or your love’s smile.

I think I need to work on holding it simultaneously. Can I do that?

Coz I can’t deny that I’m experiencing sparks of joy from improvements in my physical appearance. No, I don’t mean my physical well-being – though sure, that’s important and I’m pleased about that too. It doesn’t do the same things for me as being out in the world covered in a skin that people find more appealing.

Now how does that fit in in the importance of existence? How does that mesh with the eternal seemings of the multiverse? How is that an expression of God within myself?

Sorry for the God-mention there. It’s something that crops up when you zoom far enough out. What’s beyond my small life, my small planet, solar system, quadrant, galaxy, universe, … multiverse? … ? … ??

I feel like – and here’s where the thoughts on patterns rear their heads again – I feel like the micro reflects the macro. You know, if you step back and squint a little – there are our molecules and the elements inside them like reflections of a solar system themselves. Go further, sub-atomic, quarks and muons and gluons and quantum entanglement and jump back out again to as big as we are and those jumping, disappearing electrons are mirrored in our own eye-blink humanities, if you imagine the right cross section through history. No, not that way – go orthogonal and you might see what I’m talking about.

History repeats the old conceits.

And the universe does too.

I’m hitting the wall of what I can use words to accurately describe and it might be coming out more than a little pretentious. I can feel what I mean to say. I can visualise something in my minds that’s filled with images of ants on newspapers and stars exploding.

But then I find I’ve zoomed too far out again, and I find I’ve lost the thread of the whole thing. I can only capture it in flashes of feeling. In faith, I guess.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch, there were toys to pick up, laundry to fold and grocery shopping to get done.

I’ll try not to zoom in too much either.