I had forgotten the effect that the removal of pressure sometimes has on me. I just had a lovely long weekend. I didn’t even have any corrections to take with me (although I will have more than I can cope with incoming in the next week), and then I had Monday off too. Other than being a little physically drained from giving blood last Thursday night, nothing is “wrong” with me.
So, I guess something had to become wrong with me. My reaction to the let up of pressure was to do less and less. To get more and more tired and crave sleep and rest and junk and salt and all the things that actually make me feel worse.
Yesterday I caught myself binge eating junk food that I wasn’t hungry for and which made me feel worse than my starting emotions. It was like a switch had flipped though, and I was trotting steadfastly down this familiar road to disaster.
It’s so known to me. I know what I think I’m doing. I’m digging down, trying to find the worst of the bad feeling so that I have no choice but to start to swim up again. Throw everything out so that any effort at all looks good in contrast.
I had thought I’d grown past these old manoeuvres, but I guess those pathways are trodden so deeply into me that it will take a long time before my newer habits are stronger. Well, one thing I can do is stop now.
It helps that I’m no longer adding alcohol into the mix. That usually makes it even harder to change the next day. It was “just” food and tv and lying prone and promising promising that I’d get up super early and start my day and do all the things and make my surroundings and world oh so much better.
I did re-think my Cloud-on-Forehead comic though.
For the last while the skies have been clear (hands up, joyful)
But for the last two days I’ve had a cloud on my forehead. (cloud says: “your energy is mine”)
Oh well, I guess this is how I do life now. (doing things, cloud says “what’s the point anyway?”)
Or something like that anyway.
I feel a little less cloudy on waking this morning. I’ve had two long nights of sleep – was sleep what I needed? I wonder if I’d have done better to push through and put more on my plate.
I think it’s just a reaction to my changing Pointy Plague Doctor. I have a bit of a void where the whipping post used to be. It’s all well and good to be all self-trusting and making big picture choices and all that good stuff, but what happens when you run out of energy?
No, wait. I didn’t run out of energy – that was my point, wasn’t it? At least, I was low on energy and my task list contracted so I stopped doing anything. Bringing myself back to quadrants – I’d become so used to the Q1:!Urgent-Important! quadrant controlling nearly all of my time that when it peeled back a little, rather than spend time in Q2:Just-Important or even any time in Q3:Just-Urgent, I went for the Dark Playground space of Q4:NotU-NotI.
Now that I’ve framed it like that, I’m feeling a little better. You see I’ve been determined to at least spend less time in Q3. For some reason I feel that time there is more wasteful than even Q4. Why is that? Well, at least Q4 is enjoyable and restful, even just as a diversion. I tend to waste time there for sure, but I also learn stuff and I think it’s at least partially responsible for refilling parts of my creative well.
Yes, I’d prefer to be making choices around this rather than reacting to unexamined parts of my psyche, but even analysis after the fact is a little bit useful.
And now, this morning, I’m back in the more familiar space of a busy life where I don’t have time to do everything on my to-do list, where Q3 stuff has to wait until it either goes away or moves into Q1. Oh yeah, I guess that’s the reason for doing some Q3 stuff – it can remove the stress of an overly full first quadrant by doing things that are not important to do just now, but will eventually get a deadline on them, and then they’ll be urgent and important.
Anyway, onward and to better choices.