Wednesday mornings are feeling a little stressful for me at the best of times. Add in that I seem to be slip sliding into a bit of a funk and it’s definitely not my favourite time of the week.
I just don’t want to do anything right now other than easy things with immediate gratification. I want to lie flat and not move. I don’t particularly want to eat junk food and feel all crappy, but that’s pretty much where I keep ending up.
Because, y’know. Forces outside of my own control and all of that.
So, I guess I’ve got some choices here, right?
- Revert to Pointy Plague Doctor for motivation. (Don’t want to.)
- Zoom my view out and reason with myself about what feels me better and what feels me worse. (Don’t want to. Too much work, so tired.)
- Take a break. (Feel panicked at the thought of it, also not sure how much it’s possible.)
Do I even really need a break? I keep giving myself breaks and then feeling worse for it afterwards. Yesterday and Monday I didn’t run. Last Wednesday I didn’t run. I keep shunting myself into bed early crying “Rest! Rest!” and then not going to sleep in good enough time, squandering the precious hours on Internet and chocolate binges that do the very opposite of feeling me better.
Well, I was sick of myself in calm equilibrium, but I feel even more sick of myself back in (my view) this pathetic spiral of bad and unproductive decision-making.
And children and house-mess and dogs and no time or energy for creativity. Bleurgh. Yesterday, when walking back to the house after the school-run, myself and G. talked about those two frozen embryos we have left. Part of me wants to use them. Another part can’t imagine how that’s in any way feasible. It’s so much work with the children we already have – and they’ve become easier. Do I really want to grow children who felt like I did growing up? Like a burden and an inconvenience? Mostly ignored because of how tired and busy my parents were. Uninteresting, because two children had come before me, so all the accomplishments of childhood were old hat.
And yet. It’s so hard to close the door on them when they already exist. I mean, I guess they don’t super exist as people right yet, but there they sit in a lot more potential than the eggs in my belly and the separate gametes in my husband’s body.
I keep coming back to this though: If those embryos didn’t exist, I wouldn’t try and create them. It reminds me of the argument that caused me to break up with my first fiance – if we weren’t already engaged, with a wedding fully planned, I wouldn’t even still be dating him, let alone marrying him.
Inertia is a thing. Like a big pointy finger saying “this way! this path! this is expected!”. I’m not afraid to go against the grain of what’s expected. I’m not afraid to go against what’s standard. But I am afraid that I don’t really know what I want just now. I mean, just now, I don’t know what I want. I don’t know what I will want. You can’t simultaneously walk two paths.
I don’t know what we’re going to do about that decision. So I guess I’ll push it off. Like half of my leaving cert class and their parents – couldn’t make the decision to drop to OL or definitely stay in HL, so pushed it off ’til Christmas. Maybe they were looking for a more forceful teacher to tell them in no uncertain terms what to do. That’s not really my job. I guess the strongest I got was to say “I can’t really recommend they stay in HL, although it’s her decision and yours.”
Adults. Tiny teenage adults is what they are. But then again, I still don’t feel like an adult particularly. I still want someone to hand me a list of instructions for the day, for the week, for the year. Sometimes I try and do it for myself, writing up a to-do list. But I’m a bad self-manager and I put too many things on it, so that I finish every day in a state of self-disappointment.
As always, it’s not that I run out of time – I run out of energy. So, can I work with myself there, just to refuel myself, and not with the explicit purpose of making myself do more, just to feel better.
Maybe. Meditate, right? Go to sleep and stop browsing the internet to all hours.
Right. There’s my instructions, right? Just follow them. Sure. I’ll try.