Our friend ended up not staying last night, and I can’t say I’m unhappy about it.

Is that horrible? I feel a bit horrible for feeling that way about it.

I have a commitment to go to a birthday party next Friday and it’s snuck up on me a little bit. It will be fine, I guess. Another friend has done a “let’s do something together next week” and I’m not thrilled about the prospect really, and I’m probably going to use the birthday party as an excuse to cry off the other.

I’m seriously tired out right now and work and house and children and the small flakes of creativity and running time I carve off for myself have pushed me to my limits. Maybe past my limits? I’m not going running today.

On Thursday I found myself out of steam and I think I’ve overtrained a little. Last night I was beset with stomach issues, last Saturday there was migraine –

Messages are coming through loud and clear: I need to slow down. I need to take better care. I’m at capacity and I need to learn to say no.

Two things pushed me over an emotional coping edge this week and they were both social-related. Wednesday afternoon – about which I’ve previously ranted – and Friday night when G. was meant to be heading out with friends and one of those friends was meant to stay here.

G. going out actually causes no pressure in general, but we’d had a bit of mismatched expectations around the children’s bedtime, and we (he?) ended up getting them down way later than usual, so my 9:30 he cried off on going out. I wasn’t sad about it, but I did feel some guilt.

I felt like it was my responsibility to manage the household so that he could get out on time and have one of the few social interactions he gets to have. His game was called off on Tuesday, so it’s been a worse than usual social week for him.

That’s probably not my issue to manage, right? But it feels like it is.

Maybe because of the extra-tired of this week and thus not really wanting him to be gone… I do feel a bit like we haven’t seen each other much this week, despite having had a cinema trip out together just a couple of days ago! Maybe some weeks we should have date afternoons when we’re both awake, rather than date nights when we’re both so exhausted and cuddles and sleep are more appealing that meshing our brains together in communication and conversation.

Anyway, that’s probably a conversation for offline between he and me.

What I’m busy complaining about now is being over socialed. I’ve complained about this before, I know, and it’s my issue to manage, I know. But unlike lots of other stuff where I know the right thing to do but just don’t do it – here I’m not even sure what the right thing to do is.

I feel similarly about my Baby Elephant. Unlike many of my other parts, I struggle to see the good that Baby Elephant is doing for me. My therapist implies that all the parts are trying to do something to protect or elevate me, and actually usually I can see that despite their odd behaviours, it really has sprung from a place of good intentions for me and my overall betterment. I’m struggling to see any good intentions springing from knocking me all over the place.

I probably just need to meditate and let it answer for itself.

I might be done with therapy. I’ve an appointment coming up next Monday and I’m not sure I really need it. I’m becoming less and less scared of the prospect of not having an upcoming check-in. This doesn’t mean I think I’m “better” or “cured” or whatever (how can you be cured of living and thinking?! There’s only one cure for that and it’s a horrible one!), but rather that I’m coping by myself with the stuff that’s coming up when it’s coming up.

I’m not claiming that I’m all zen and coping with things perfectly. My lovely husband who reads this will attest to that for sure, but … I think I’m doing okay.

I’m not all happy in the garden with all of my parts and some days I don’t even feel like I want to get okay with them – but I know that’s just coming from an addiction to the familiar. Things are okay and things are very slowly climbing upwards – as opposed to spiking up and down and all over the place.

I’m okay. I’m good. I’m doing just fine.

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