The same sicky feeling returned to my stomach overnight, accompanied by migraine symptoms (facial numbness) and sharp chest pains. I’ve not been being super careful with what I eat and had three cups of coffee yesterday. That’s more than I used to take in an entire week. I don’t know if it was that, or the chinese takeaway ribs I had for dinner, that pushed me over the edge, but I know I need to start paying a bit more attention to what I’m putting into my body.

I am having a morning coffee today, because sudden stoppage may be just as bad as over-doing it, but I’ll avoid processed food and bread and all that. I remember back in June at the height of The Revolution of my Guts it wasn’t even difficult to stay away from “bad” (i.e. triggering) foods because I’d been in so much pain that the thought of bringing that back was enough to stop me even desiring those foods.

And then I guess I’d stayed off them for long enough and I was able to try them again, and then, like with anything I do, I started to overindulge.

The mounting stress of work as we approach the end of the first half-term has been having an effect, I guess. I wanted to blame all the past issues on alcohol, and I’ve no doubt that contributed, but clearly it wasn’t a standalone assailant on my system.

***

Off bad, onto good.

I’d a drawing session last night that went really well. I’ve been planning a present for a friend for a while and hadn’t had any time to get started on it, but it’s worked out really well. It’s not finished and I’m not sure that I will get it finished in the time allotted, but maybe I’ll deliver an unfinished product in that case.

It just felt really good to draw something a little more elaborate and intricate than I’ve been doing with Not Funny, Just True. Although I enjoy those too. I guess I’m feeling a need, or a want to do more, pour out some more parts of me onto paper, siphon off some of that weird energy that doesn’t belong in my body and spill it out in lines and twirls and shading.

But how? I mean, it’s not like it was be The Solution To All Things Ever In My Life, and thus I can’t excuse ignoring all else and just drawing. So, it has to tag along behind my life as a “hobby”, which feels misplaced. It’s more important to me than a “hobby”. But I guess I’m being sensible.

I don’t care for sensible to be honest.

But then that’s the attitude that has my guts twisting in pain while I simultaneously experience nausea and hunger.

***

One of my sons has gotten really into drawing pictures and I admit to loving seeing the stuff he’s creating, but maybe even more loving seeing him sit down and concentrate and enjoy the whole process himself.

The other guy went through a phase of drawing hordes of zombies about a year ago, but ever since his brother picked up a pencil, he seems to have abandoned his. Sometimes they want to work in exactly the same arena as each other (usually when it’s not completely feasible!) and other times it’s like this; shying away from what they seem to consider their brother’s “territory”.

We have had it with food “I can’t like sausages! T likes sausages!”, etc.

I think I experienced a little of that myself growing up, although I more felt like I was being told that from others. Like, my eldest sister was really into art and really good at it to boot. Thus it felt like I wasn’t allowed to overly explore my interest in that area. The role of “artist” in the family had already been filled.

really wanted to study art, but I knew it wasn’t a sensible option. You know, I really wanted to study maths too, so it’s not like I ended up studying something I wasn’t passionate about. At the time of my life when I chose my college course I think I was in a more mathsie space. But why do we have to choose?

It’s not the same going back later in life. I mean, I’m going to, I’ve every intention of doing so once the kids are big enough and we can afford it and all of that, but it won’t be the same.

Anyway, enough of daydreams, time to consider the day ahead.

To run, or not to run, that is the question.

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