I thought that if I went to sleep relatively early I would find myself waking up earlier and more refreshed. Instead I felt like the walking dead at 7 am despite having laid my head down 8.5 hours before and with fewer night-time interruptions than usual. Seriously, I feel more tired than usual!

I have sometimes decided that this effect is due to a greedy and deprived brain going “What, sleep?! You’re giving me some? Then I’m going to take it all!”. It’s a little bit like doing some hard physical exercise like mountain climbing or the likes where your legs spend 20 – 30 minutes trying to convince you stopit!stopit! before finally conceding that yes, you really are going to do this.

So that’s where I am facing into the day this morning. I woke up to a work email wanting to push some of the missed Maths Week activities into next week and I’m not entirely happy about it. I think we’ve missed enough time, frankly and I’m not inclined to get all than on board with it.

I had a run in last year (around this time) with one of my colleagues – the one who is organising Maths Week this year, in fact. Neither of us handled things particularly well and I was happy to leave things in the past and behave towards each other like it never happened. Thankfully she seems to be likewise inclined. But … there’s something there, some kind of tension that hasn’t gone away and it’s hard to put my finger on exactly what’s wrong. Like, is it me? Is it all just me carrying on a grudge or, not even a grudge but a discomfort from having been wrong in the past in front of this person and now feeling like maybe things are kind of ruined for life.

I have a similar thing going on with someone else where there’s a history of a big disagreement  –  and again wrongs done on both sides, and an agreement (kind of) to move on and just leave things in the past. But I still feel “off” around them.

So, I don’t know if it’s me or them. I like to believe I’m capable of leaving things in the past and moving on, but maybe I’m just not as able as I think! Maybe it’s a case of once bitten twice shy and all that, coz … there’s something going on. If I look in a little more detail at both of the individuals in question, then it’s really clear: it hasn’t been just “one incident in the past” but rather there’ve been a number of smaller events that have triggered my “not okay” antennae, but they just haven’t grown into full blown disagreements or cry-fights.

I’m wary of going “that’s it” and making the call that it’s all my good and powerful instincts. Because of course I want that to be it. Of course I want it to be that I’m the “good” and mature person who is in the over-all right completely capable of moving past disagreements – if only these people weren’t so Goddamned Unreasonable. But is that true?

Well, I do have people in my life with whom I’ve had emotional disagreements and we have moved on. Maybe most notably in my family, where it often feels you’ve no choice but to get over things and get on with things.

And these two people are destined to be in my life too; I work with one of them, and the other is a close friend of our close friend group, a close friend of mine? Well, was a close friend of mine, but right now I don’t know. I just don’t feel it. When I’m not feeling all the love for a family member, well, for one thing my love seems to be pretty unbreakable with my family, for another none of them have ever been so maliciously hurtful towards me, and … I don’t know.

I guess I’m just back to instincts.

There’s a book that I’ve read a few excerpts from and which I intend on reading fully at some point! Called The Gift of Fear which basically tells us to trust our instincts around stuff like this and that we’re far too socially conditioned to ignore our instincts and to “not be rude” and to give people all the second chances in the world, even when stuff inside of us is going “No no no! Danger Will Robinson, Danger!”.

Mostly though it’s fine. I can just keep people internally at a distance and maintain the social contract of niceness and friendliness.

Just. I’m unsure.