I’m not going to get my Not Funny Just True update in on time this week. All I have done on the next one is an outline sketch. It’s not that I didn’t have time this week, I mean, I didn’t have a lot of time, but I didn’t prioritise it either. Is it some part of me testing the water to see what it looks like to miss that deadline? To check that the world won’t end? I don’t mind that, but then I get worried that missing it onetime is the gateway drug to having no deadline pushing me to complete. Maybe over the weekend? Maybe just skip one week?
It’s just not feeling super important to me right now. My parts aren’t feeling all that active. Or at least not as easily recognisable.
Need to meditate and check in with myself.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever” answers my teenage brain.
A “thing” has come up at work where I’m – we in the Maths Dept. in fact – are “invited” (read “strongly recommended”) to four weeks of attending Lesson Planning courses between 6:30 and 9pm on Thursday evenings. I don’t want to do it.
I mean, of course I don’t want to do it. No one wants to do extra work, especially on the evenings. And maybe when written in isolation it doesn’t seem like that much extra work, but already the evenings are so packed and exhausted and even one extra hour after school impacts on my ability to do any prep or family stuff in the evening and I’m generally that bit more exhausted when it comes to work the next day. Doing that for four weeks during one of the busier terms does not appeal. Also, most of our after school meetings and Parent-Teacher meetings are on either Tuesdays or Thursdays which means probably eight weeks of this extra exhaustion rather than “just” four. Also-also, my running schedule includes Thursdays. And I understand I have to miss that sometimes but a sustained definite missing of it feels ungood to me.
So, yeah. I could do it? But I don’t want to, and I don’t want to because I know the additional knock-on effects are going to impact me so very negatively.
But I feel pressured to say yes. I feel like it’s something I’m “meant” to be doing as part of my professional development – and it’s not like I don’t believe in professional development, I actually do! But these things generally end up being “vaguely interesting” with no real lasting impact on the way I teach – because the way we teach is more than anything informed by the length of the Junior Cert and Leaving Cert courses and the constraints of the timetable.
So, I want to say no. And all this babbling here is really me trying to convince myself that it’s okay for me to say no. If I was forced into doing this, I guess I’d cope? But goddamnit I’d be complaining about Thursday evenings being “handed down” on top of us. It’s okay for me to say no. It’s okay for me to say no. It doesn’t feel okay for me to say no.
Well, screw my socialisation. I’m going to say no. I’m going to say no. I’m going to … passively aggressively wheedle my way out by saying “it doesn’t really work for me”. The fact is, it doesn’t really work for me at any time to give that much of a time commitment to something that isn’t really any more valuable than vaguely interesting.
I know I’ll have to do courses in the evening eventually as part of continuous professional development and all of that, but they will be ones that I pick. Ones that I actually find interesting to me and related to my subject in a way that I’m likely to use and all of that. Not something that’s handed down from the Maths Development Team, and probably something that has flexible study hours so that I can fit it in around our lives and balance things so that I have the chance to maintain my sanity. Also-also “ugh” at the thought of spending four hours a week in the company of some of my colleagues. Remember the annoying people from yesterday? Well one of them would be there for sure.
Maybe I shouldn’t give out about work so much in this space. It is a public space after all, however anonymous. Probably not prosecutable, but maybe I’ll draw some privacy lines around Facebook and any trails that obviously lead back here.
C’mob Friday, you and me got a date with the word ‘No’.