School Mass today, and I am indeed trapped going to it. It’s one of those things that I always feel a bit objectiony about; if you have a class group at the time before the mass starts, then you’re stuck taking a group down and staying with them. If you happen to be free at that time then you get a nice two hour chunk of free time.

I’m just a bit loaded down with schoolwork right now and could kind of happily do with that time

I also don’t particularly enjoy the behaviour management portion of the event, especially around kids who are feeling giggly and hyper because they’re out and about in a large group.

When it comes to the actual mass, I tend to find myself surprised how much I enjoy it. I tend to take it as an opportunity for reflection and even some meditative space. The priest in our local church is a widow with children and grandchildren and that all serves to make him seem more human and his sermons happen to tend towards the more interesting.

Anyway, I’m more annoyed at missing the chunk of time off that I could’ve really utilised today. No sign of a promised test for the 2nd years this morning, so I’m going to make my own one, but that will take a bit of time to sort out. If it’s not in for printing today then it won’t be ready in time. There’s a whole bunch of logistical issues around printing stuff in school at the moment and it makes me feel really tense, because it’s adding an extra complexity to getting stuff organised for the week.

Ugh, I’m even bored myself to be talking about this stuff. Suffice to say I’m feeling a bit over-crowded on the work front right now. I guess the specifics aren’t really so very important, just the feelings and how I decide to cope with them.

I have a meeting with my therapist today. I’m sort of thinking of it as my last meeting with her. It’s not like I’m “fixed” or anything, and part of me is a little bit worried about the future. Like for the next while I’m not feeling the need to be checking in with anyone other than myself, but I’m not sure if that will be true for all of the rest of my life. And the rest of one’s life is really such a long time.

But I also think it might be the next right step for me. I think there’s something about removing a crutch in my thoughts, something about standing up and finding my own way – I mean, obviously enough I’ve been doing exactly that for all the years of my adult life, except it hasn’t really ever felt that way. I think I’ve always believed that someone else is supporting the weight of me in some fashion or other.

When G.’s mother died, he described it as his “roof coming off”. I think I’ve always had, not just rooves, but walls and floors around me in people form. Right now, my therapist has been serving as a roof. Even when I’m not paying attention, even when I’m not in a direct appointment, I’ve still had the support of her potential.

But now I feel ready to do without that. I guess for all the protection of a roof, if you spend all of your days under one, you don’t get a chance to see the stars.

I’m not sure how things will go in the end. I’m not attached to one particular outcome and if we talk and decide that it will be better for me to continue with some extended timetable of meetings, then I’m going to be fine with that too.

So now it’s time to start another day. For all the overcrowding of obligation in the day, I’m also pretty excited about the coming day. We’ve the “Open Evening” for the boys’ future school in the evening and that’s a really exciting and interesting prospect for me. For all that I hate being part of hosting the Open Evening in our own school, the notion of being on the other side of the desk is actually really appealing.

After today’s obligations are passed, there’s still a lot of work left in the remainder of the week, but then it’s mid-term! Which has always been one of the most important “holidays” in the year for me.

I just wish it would start to feel like Winter.