I’ve started this morning’s blog post about seven different ways inside my head, so obviously there’s a lot of scattered thoughts going on in there. I think I’ll resort to some bullet points (and of course, my usual stream of consciousness):
- I’m in a lot of physical discomfort from menstrual cramps.
Ponstan lies in my future, but also I just want to complain about it.
- It’s the first day back to school today!
I have feelings about that, but also I wrote about them yesterday and I don’t really think I’ve too much new to say there. We’ll see.
- It’s also – hopefully – the day when we get to be public about ExcitingNews(tm). Watch this space?
- I didn’t sleep in my own bed last night, but rather on the pull out bed in the sitting room. Expanded thoughts on this:
- The dislodged slats in the bedroom bed had become dislodged again and I was refusing to spend another night sleeping in a sink-hole. It was uncomfortable even lying on it for a “minute out” during the evening.
- Even when the slats are fixed, it seems the pull out bed is still more comfortable.
- I really want to actually get rid of our big old bed in the bedroom and start to use our bedroom as a “packing up” zone, but it’s probably premature. I’m really feeling ready to do something practical related to getting ready for the new house, but we haven’t even submitted the plans yet. All the same, I just really really want to start the ball rolling on feeling like this change is taking place rather than being all “waiting for my life to start”, “breathing a little and calling it a life” and all of that. Starting the decluttering and packing up process is just really attractive to me right now, I guess.
- Just for the comfort to my back, I might continue to sleep on the pull out bed, although I guess it does have its own logistical issues.
- I’ve been reading more sober blogs and listening to more sober related podcasts again over the past week.
I suppose that I’ve noticed that I’m thinking a bit more about alcohol than I had been previously and I’m pre-emptively shoring up my reserves. Interestingly I read in MrsD’s archives that there’s a thing called the 6 month slump and although I’m actually heading a little closer to the 7 month mark, maybe that’s a little of what’s going on here with me.
- It really hasn’t been all that long since I stopped drinking alcohol.
I think of myself as being alcohol free for a really long time. And, y’know, 6 months is nothing to sniff at or anything like that, but it’s such a small drop in the ocean of my adult life, in the ocean of my overall drinking life! Until I’ve ridden the merry-go-round though one full circuit, I can be pretty much assured that I will definitely still have new challenges ahead of me to face.
It might be enough to just keep that in my mind. Complacency is the danger.
- 6am may not be early enough.
It’s just, by the time I’ve my words written it feels like there’s not all that much extra time in the morning. Like I could probably do a small bit of picking up around the house, but it’s not like I’d sit down and get a bunch of correcting done. Is a bunch of correcting what I want for these morning times anyway? Or is it just a “quiet space”? Do I want to prioritise drawing again?
- I want to prioritise meditation and attention.
In answer to the last question … I feel like I’ve drifted too much onto the side of using my “doing” tools moreso than my “being” tools. I started re-listening to my Geneen Roth course on Women, Food and God and I noticed how much I’ve stopped noticing. I guess I could spend morning time on drawing – and maybe I even will – but I definitely feel a pull (or push) towards some meditative time, time spent with attention on myself.
I think that’s the majority of what’s going through my mind this morning. I had strange dreams last night, back working in IT with that old group of people that I worked with then. I dreamed I was drinking – I even dreamed I was using cocaine, for which I blame an over-indulgence on “The Good Place” yesterday.
My back to school anxiety is pretty high, but I’m hoping a lot of that will have resolved by 4pm today.
See you tomorrow!