Round 2. Fight!
One day down, and I survived, felt better, gathered more work to myself than I possibly have time to do. Then came home, ate dinner, worked, went to sleep later than I had any reason to do – other than the fact that I’ve a giddiness in my soul.
The anticipated announcement has not yet been announced. Procedures and properness take time I guess and this is as it should be. But I’m in a waiting state and also having that dread that the good and exciting thing might be just swept away from under our feet, despite being agreed to in principle. Because? I don’t know – narrative resonance or some such thing?
Now my brain has drifted off to some scheduling logistics who details aren’t pertinent to anything really right at the moment. It’s amazing how wrapped up we (I) can get in small stressful moments that won’t even be remembered in about three months’ time. Like, right now my brain is mulling on the details of work for 5th year students on a day when I may need to accompany 4th years to a Robotics expedition. And I mean the details, like down to the nitty gritty of when I’ll print stuff for them and how much. And I probably don’t need to expend so very much mental energy on this. What if I just stopped?
I just stopped there for two minutes. To feel that I’m alive. To notice that the side of my face is numb – probably because I’m not getting enough sleep and because I’m drinking coffee. I noticed that the coffee that I’m drinking is tasting a little grainy to me. I found myself thinking about one of my children and smiling as I imagined how they move around in the world and get a thrill from things that are taken for granted by old tiredlings like me. I found myself noticing that I can’t even sit for two minutes with myself before thoughts start to chatter their way through the chambers of my mind.
I forgot to meditate last night. I “forgot”. Well, I remembered at a certain point – around 23 minutes past 9 and at that point I’d become so firmly screwed into the mindset of doing some particular tasks that I further forgot on purpose. Because I didn’t feel like it. Because I won’t prioritise checking in with myself when there are so many delicious distractions that feel like working towards self-improvement and life-improvement (and doubtless even are of some benefit). Because I don’t want to?
Why? I mean, there’s got to be a reason, right? I feel like I’ve been asking this question of myself over and over over the past 2 years. Why is it so difficult for me to form a meditation habit? I feel like those people who say things like “I’d love to run, but [excuses].” Or “I really must start doing [X], but [excuses]”. “Where do you find time to [Y]? I really need to make time to do it to, but (you got it!) [excuses].” And I’m a judgey little wretch when I hear these statements because internally I’m all “If you want to do it, you have to make it a priority. And if you’re not making it a priority it’s because there are other things you want to do more.”. (Yeah, maybe that doesn’t sound super judgey, but you’re not hearing the tone with which I’m saying it.)
Well sir, the same rhetoric can be plastered all over your “I Totally Want to Meditate” slogan teeshirt of no spine, no backbone, no follow-through. Do, or do not do. Jedi-Master Yoda was ridiculously right.
Maybe there’s no big mystery here. It’s much like with something like running. No one wants to do exercise and work. We want to spend time in comfort – both physically and mentally. And while I always enjoy having meditated and even mostly enjoy it while I’m doing it, it’s something that’s getting me out of my comfort zone, and getting started – putting away the warm comforting relaxing Buzzfeed articles and Facebook pings is onerous. My inner toddler Does.Not.Want.
So? Just do it?
Weasel words! Jedi Master Yoda is having none of your wishy-washy attempts to escape commitment. Seriously, right now my brain is wriggling like a trapped worm, doing anything in its power to escape committing to evening meditation tonight. Excuse after whiny excuse is popping up and I’m slapping those suckers down hard, but also “what the hell, brain?!”.
Tonight. After dinner, it is. During children iPad time. As soon as they’re ensconced in their drug of choice and thoroughly disconnected from the world, I shall do my very best to reconnect with it.