I have all these ideas of what I could be doing for myself around self-care, what I could be doing to build myself a sustainable life from which I don’t need to escape. Here are some of the thoughts I have:

  • Regularly get to sleep by 11 pm at the very latest but preferably more like 10pm.
    (Last night I went to sleep after 1am)
  • To make the above happen, the kids need to be off to bed between 7 and half past.
    (For the last few months it’s been an hour later than this)
  • Don’t allow the kids in our bed in the middle of the night. Be strong and cut off E.’s midnight milk supply.
    (E. comes in to us 2 – 3 times a night, is restless and doesn’t sleep. Demands* we make him some hot milk, or scratch his back. Asks for really, but is persistent in his asking, and if he tries to go without gets more and more restless. It’s really hard for everyone concerned.)
  • Thus I will be able to be up at 6am (or earlier) every day for some writing self-care, less stressed out morning routine, everyone out the door on time, etc. etc.
    (This week we’ve regularly slept in past the “early” alarm and even lingered a-bed way past the “late” alarm. Then I don’t get a chance to write, and morning is a rush and cranky with kids and self and don’t get time to pack a lunch or shower and … yeah. Not good.)
  • 15 minutes of Morning Yoga.
    When I was doing this last Summer, it felt *so* good. It makes my running more sustainable, but it also makes me loads happier and more present throughout the whole of the rest of the day.
    I haven’t yoga’d since the Summer though. And see above for what my mornings are currently like.
  • Be regular in my running routine.
    This is an area where I’ve held pretty fast over the past few months despite the crazy push of other life and work demands. But it’s slipped quite a bit this week, and I know that I’m going to miss my long run the following week and somehow that knowledge is even making me want to go out less. I guess it’s the whole “middle of winter” dark days thing, but it’s feeling really really hard to summon up the motivation right now.
  • Stop drinking so much coffee.
    My coffee drinking has expanded and expanded and now I’m having an extra Nespresso Capsule at work and often a Red Bull in the evening too. And you know my guts are paying the price. Lots of pain these past few days. I’m sure that stress isn’t particularly helping with it, but I know for sure that caffeine is a contributing culprit.
  • Eat when I’m hungry. Don’t eat when I’m not hungry. Stop a meal if I get full.
    Bad habit of worrying regularity that’s crept back in this week – binge eating. I’ve paused and “noticed” that I’m not hungry, and then made the decision to stuff my body with junk until the full feeling drives away the emotional discomfort I’m feeling. I mean, would it be so hard to stop and spend 10 minutes meditating instead? What’s the worst that could happen if I just let that discomfort stay for a little while? If I just listened to what’s going on? Well, I guess it clearly is so hard for me.
  • Keep my list of Open Loops updated so that I can easily identify the most important tasks to focus on in the course of busy busy days.
    Yeah. I’m just not doing that at all, and now it feels like things are falling through the cracks. 

So those are the main things, the “easy” things, the things I already know how to do. And I’m just not doing them. And I don’t know when things will change. I feel like I’m “sitting around” (or running around, headless-chicken-like) waiting for something external to change all by itself. I know better. Newton knew better – though he was just applying his laws to physical phenomena – nothing changes all by itself, it requires action for change to take place.

I guess it’s possible that something external might come along and shake things up. I mean, plenty of external things have come along to pile up the stress and push me towards the old coping mechanisms, the ones I’ve already proved to myself are ineffectual.

But I know that the real changes won’t come until I make them happen. Gotta make those changes happen myself.

Now I’m just waiting for the energy and motivation to do that.