I’m feeling a little bit less apocalyptic today. The act of taking some downtime on Friday and Saturday really works for me. Sunday rolls around and rather than feeling more stressed because I’ve spent two days doing less, I actually feel less stressed. I start to feel like the downtime has allowed me to grow the ability to recognise priorities a little more clearly; so much of the stuff that was crowding my mind with a “you must do ME! don’t forget! don’t forget!” has revealed itself to be less immediate than the urgent fire I thought I had to fight.

***

Last night I had a dream about a pair of foxes. They were wild creatures, but grew a little tamer as days passed and we fed them a little. My dogs were strangely absent from the dream, but I did end up taking a car trip with G.’s newly acquired editor – a person I’ve never met and know nothing about, but y’know, dreams.

***

I have a 12km run ahead of me this morning and I’m feeling a bit apprehensive about it. I would really really love to reach the 1,017km aim that I set at the start of the year. I mean, I’ll accept whatever point I get to; I’ve already completed so much more than I ever thought I would, but … it would be nice. It would feel good and accomplished and stuff. It would be a marker of all the hard work I’ve put into running this year. But regardless of whether or not I reach that target, I still will have put in that hard work. I still will have accomplished a lot with my fitness and formation of habits to better my physical wellbeing in 2017.

For the first time in about 7 years I’m heading towards a new year in a fitter and healthier state than I entered the old one. And yeah, weightloss is important to me there. Although I keep trying to pretend it doesn’t. It’s like I’m trying to be a “Rules Girl” with the part of my mind concerned with diet and weight. I’m trying to be all chill and “I don’t care! I’m satisfied and confident already!” But it’s not working out so well. I reckon I did get a few months of truly holding that viewpoint, but it’s been slipping away from me recently.

I’m finding myself unhappy with a body that would have delighted me at the end of Summer even – and I was more content then! I guess it’s relative to the starting point. I’m going to try to remind myself to try and accept that my body’s going to do what it does, and my part of the bargain is just going to be to try to make the healthiest decisions I can for it: Eat when hungry, stop when full.

It’s hard to make healthy decisions all the time. It feels like work and I get tired of doing it. My “default”, my “habit of old”, the thing that’s calling me now has been to cajole, force, deny and punish for a period of time and then “make it up” to myself by being overly permissive and deny myself nothing. Actually both sides of that coin are exceedingly unhealthy, both mentally and physically. But it’s familiar and I continue to be surprised by the power of the familiar, even when held up against the identifying light of self-knowledge.

I guess self-knowledge and self-awareness are not exactly the same thing.

***

So I did actually get ’round to updating my “Loops” document last night. One extra thing I’ll need to do is to go through my emails and add in any items that had fallen through the cracks of my awareness.

But it helped. Going through what was on my over-arching to-do list, getting it out of my brain and onto paper. It puts things in perspective – it allows non-urgent tasks to become important and get prioritised in a way they never would have done when the fire-fighting drill-seargant was left in charge. It’s actually a bit freeing to realise that my to-do list is so ridiculously long that it’s not even possible for me to attend to everything in the short term. So I’m forced to prioritise.

I will get to a small number of things before tomorrow morning and then that’s just where I’ll be.

***

I’m going to take a few meditation minutes this morning. I’ve been extolling the virtues of meditation in the context of our wellbeing push in school. So time to apply it to myself. It will also count towards getting one of my priorities into the “done” column and allow me to respond to a colleagues question.

All good things for today, I hope.

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