It’s pitch dark outside, but the family is slowly waking up. Twin one demands that he “needs someone to mind him” – luckily a selection of the right teddies fulfil this need. Twin two is wandering around in a My Little Pony pyjamas, hunting for an iPad and declaring that it’s the “best day ever!” because he had “My Little Pony” dreams.

***

I’m waiting with more than a modicum of anxiety for the report that will let us know which classes will be receiving an observation from the Inspectors over the next two days of Whole School Evaluation. I spent most of yesterday in meetings myself, and my mind keeps replaying the details as though it was an interview. For all my bravado in stating that “they’ll have to take me as they find me!” I really really care about external evaluations and it’s been a long time since I’ve had one applied to my teaching practice.

***

It’s back again. The horrendous stomach illness I was experiencing at the start of Summer. I don’t know if it’s exactly the same though. Last night I felt mildly nauseated, but hugely dizzy and just generally unwell for most of the evening. I felt death-like and anxious (which then probably exacerbated the symptoms). I can’t remember whether or not I had symptoms like that back in May and June. I think there was an amount of dizziness that I put down to my coming off of beta blockers earlier in the year.

I think I’ve been hitting all the wrong notes for self-care and it’s come together in a perfect harmony of unwell feeling: I’m feeling anxious and stressed over a number of work things, I haven’t been taking care to stay away from processed foods and the foods that had been triggering unwell stomach back in the Summer, and I’ve been mainlining coffee in greater amounts that I’d taken in years.

While stress is probably one of the most important factors to take care of, I don’t exactly know what to do about it other than letting it pass. So I’ll be attending to caffeine and diet more immediately as they’re more “fixable” to my mind.

***

I’m very excited about my incoming Christmas present this year, although I also feel a little greedy and selfish about it. G. made a work deal about a month ago that means he’ll be getting a substantial bonus payment – hopefully just before Christmas – and a chunk of that is about to be applied to an Apple Watch for me.

I feel guilty because I already have a Fitbit – which works perfectly – and a Garmin GPS watch – which just needs to be charged and have its band fixed. So, yeah. I’ve a lot of of sports watches, basically. I’ll probably pass the Fitbit on to G. and maybe see if someone else will get use out of the Garmin GPS.

But I am excited. I like future tech. Does this make me overly consumer-y? Probably. These “things” are not so important, they’re not the focus of a workout or necessary for it and yet I know I’ll spend a substantial part of each workout day getting frustrated about something not connecting as expected, etc. etc.

***

I’m drinking my usual dose of caffeine this morning. I feel like I can’t afford to be in caffeine withdrawal while the inspections are on-going. So I’m taking my usual 2 capsules this morning, but won’t follow up with a mid-morning coffee in school, and certainly no Red Bull! I will go down to one capsule tomorrow and gradually move to coffee only every second day and green tea on the other. What’s the goal? One or two coffees a week  –   I know from when I noticed more overt caffeine sensitivity that once a week was pretty much it before I started having heart palpitations. Now that I’m off the beta blockers, I guess I don’t notice the effects on my heart, but there are probably other systemic effects – maybe particularly on my digestive tract.

Knowledge is enough of a reason to make changes. I don’t need to be experiencing misery every day in order to make a change. It’s strangely harder to do it without instruction from authority. Like, if I had a doctor’s visit under my belt and instructions to stay away from or limit intake of a certain list of substances, then I feel like it would be lots easier.

Instead I just have to use my common sense and parent my goddamned self.

That’s kinda hard.

Advertisements