This is the last day of our school inspection. In approximately one hour we’ll get “The List” for today, letting us know which classes they will come to visit. I feel like I’m going to be one of them. More than that, I feel like it’s going to be my 2nd year group who get the visit. I imagine I’ll be pulled up on not having copies corrected – I would do in any class they visited, but it’s all the more pronounced with a group like 2nd years. I suppose they’re not wrong; it is a failing of mine that I don’t check their homework more thoroughly. I do correct their homework; sometimes a whole class can be spent on nothing more than correcting the misunderstandings of the previous night’s homework, but there is a gap out there in my knowledge of the students and their abilities, and it’s only really addressed at the time of a test.
It’s too late to do anything about it now! And in terms of how things will be reported about the school, I doubt that’s going to be a “make or break”, especially if the general practice is the taking up of copies.
And there was a cost involved in backtracking on my methods and collecting all copies of all class groups and giving detailed comments. I was already behind on my correcting due to the extra work and requests generated by this meeting anyway.
Okay, I know this is all “excuse-building”, but there’s value in it too. I feel like I’m okay with the choices that I’ve made up to this point. There hasn’t really been a good choice available to myself. I suppose from a particular vantage, it might look as though I’ve been dropping the ball a bit work wise, but I’m not the black and white thinker that I used to be (merely dark grey and off-white?). So yeah. Peace made, but I’m still ticking away the next hour a little in order to call down the information about today’s inspections.
They came through at 7:30 yesterday, just after I’d finished my morning’s writing. I was delighted to discover that I wasn’t on yesterday’s list at all but I don’t expect to be so lucky the second time around, especially as Maths wasn’t hit particularly hard yesterday.
Okay, there’s really no point in existing in this bubble of stress for the next hour.
I wasn’t the perfect follower of the best things for my guts yesterday, but I did avoid all bread, and while I ate some Hoops rather than crisps, they seem to disagree with my system a little less than other options. Also, I ate an actual dinner rather than raiding the snack cupboard until I was full and a bit horrible feeling.
I have not cut down to a half-cup of coffee this morning (though yesterday I did stick to my promise to avoid school-coffee or afternoon energy drink). I’m feeling pretty righteous in my decision to caffeinate myself up the wazoo given Damacles’ morning sword dangling around.
I’ll be the person I want to be tomorrow.
There! There’s the statement that my inside brain throws out so very very often. There’s the statement that holds inside it so very many problems that I have with myself. I get to a point and decide it’s too hard, or I’m too tired, but I don’t really want to ‘fess up to the fact that I’m not living the life I really want to be living. So I roll out tomorrow.
The great thing about tomorrow is that it’s always really close. Especially after 6pm. So it’s really attractive to imagine “starting fresh” the next day and “doing it properly”. It doesn’t feel like I’m pushing things off all that far, because I’m just waiting ’till tomorrow. Oftentimes that’s just a few hours away.
The other “great” thing about tomorrow is that it never comes. There’s always another one in which to vest my great as-yet-unfulfilled potential.
Stopping drinking alcohol didn’t automatically fulfil all of that potential, it didn’t automatically address all my dissatisfaction with myself – in fact, it took away some of my ability to mask those feelings, it took away my ability to live in the realistic fantasy of a booze-soaked future in which I’m King. Yeah, you heard me, King. Coz that’s where the power lies.
Don’t worry, I pretty quickly figured out some other ways to fool myself and hide from my fears.
And you just know Tomorrow is one of the biggest guns in my arsenal.
But let’s leave off thinking too hard about that until tomorrow.