I’ve been faffing about in my head about taking every second morning to write out some fiction that started noodling through my brain yesterday in the shower. I don’t really have a lot of confidence in my fiction-writing ability, to be honest, but it might be a fun creative exercise, and I guess who cares if it comes to naught – and let’s be clear, when I say “come to naught” I mean “I don’t ever even share it will anyone else’s eyes ever, and after 1200 words it dies a death because I’m lazy and have no follow-though” vs comes to naught in a failing to get published way.

I don’t have such notions. I don’t really expect anything I create to get independently published, or shared beyond my own small circle on the web. I’m pretty okay with that. Like, I like to dream the “what if” dreams, but I’m actually way more interested in completing things and seeing how it speaks to me to do that.

But of course I’m breaking some of my own rules here. Way back when (2, or was it 3? years ago, I poked husband and said he needed to finish one of the many projects he’d started before he allowed himself to start another. Just to see that he could, just to see what it was like to complete something. Maybe I should take a leaf out of my own book.

Maybe my desire to write this story whose little spark has suddenly flared up is less about writing this story and more about the desire to get some creating going again? Maybe I’ve some kind of sub-conscious recognition going on around how I’ve been pretty good at carving out this small corner of writing time nearly every day for a year now, so it’s established and it’s habit, so couldn’t I share out half of that time into creativity?

I don’t feel trapped into having drawing be my only creative outlet. I don’t think I’m a terrible writer, but I don’t really have the discipline. I don’t just mean the discipline of daily writing – hey it looks like I’ve got that discipline alright! But the discipline of outlining and world and plot-building and keeping it all together and consistent. Some days even the time to craft a single sentence in its best possible way is beyond my attention.

Funny how I’ve never had that issue when it comes to drawing. Sure, sometimes I do get frustrated at the slow progress I make on certain drawing projects, as I want to get a page up for publication and I’m getting mired down in details that people will probably never even notice.

Well, maybe I should focus less on the publication step. The Harvesters (one of my two – or three? – big drawing projects) has been dormant for a year and a half now. Maybe I did it a disservice my publishing it at all before it was finished. I feel a goodly weight of guilt over the half-finished stories I’ve got floating around in people’s brains – they used to be floating around on the Internet too, but now those websites have been shut down because, why be paying money for them?

I guess if I don’t finish things then they get to exist in a permanent state of potential, right?

What if I took my 30 minutes writing time each morning and spent it on drawing instead? Or even just did that every second day?

There’s a voice in my head telling me that I “can’t”. Its current excuse is that I feel overwhelmed by the messiness and clutter of my physical environment. So now I want to spend that morning time cleaning instead. It’s just yet more procrastination, because if I really cared that much about the cluttered physical environment, I’d work on decluttering it in the evening instead of vegging out, or even when I’ve finished these words instead of stealing 10 minutes pre-breakfast reading Captain Awkward.

I really just want someone else to do it for me. Self-motivation is so hard. It’s hard to keep doing lots of boring things every day. That’s why I want to start writing about a new idea that popped into my head, because it’s fresh and pregnant with novelty and potential, and it hasn’t yet been ruined by seeing my execution of it. And, by seeing the general world’s disinterest in it.

I have to re-remind myself that that’s not the main point for my wanting to do any of this.

It sure would be nice all the same.

 

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