Well I very proudly got through yesterday without coffee. And this morning, from about 4am on, I’ve been battling with an intense headache. Related?
There’s the danger of false correlation because I think I’m also sleep deprived (well, I caught up on a chunk of it by crashing out at 8:30 last night) and most definitely have a cold. But it’s Friday, and it’s the first day of December and Christmas and the New Year are around the corner and I like both of those things.
I’ve been feeling pretty angry and frustrated with a particular teaching group at the moment. They’re young, and they’re selfish and self-centred in the way that many young people can tend to be. I suppose I expect them to have grown out of it a little more by now, with just some outliers still displaying the “me-me-me” entitled demands that are so frequent. As their class teacher (a voluntary, pretty loosely defined role) I feel a certain parental type of responsibility to shaking them out of this. I’m not hugely looking forward to the Parent-Teacher meeting.
This is about the third day in a row I’ve found myself mulling this over and venting about it though, and I don’t really want to continually exist in this state, so I think I’m going to breathe deep and leave it behind me a bit. Not so far behind that I don’t do something about it in class though. I will probably have to spend some time being cross and strict which generally puts me in a little bit of bad form, so I’m not looking forward to that dynamic. I hope it changes quickly.
The children got to open the first door of their advent calendars this morning. The level of excitement over something so small was joyful to behold. So far small things are exciting to them and they’re grateful for them. I hope they don’t react to all their advantages in life by taking them for granted, but I know they probably will have times when that’s a bit true. It is for all of us. I know it is for me.
Whenever a rush of negativity is spewing out of me – even when I’m excusing it through blaming the behaviour of others and my (valid enough) need to vent, chances are that’s an indicator that I’m being ungrateful, that I’ve forgotten how lucky I am, that I’ve buried that me who feared she’d never get a full-time job, who thought she’d be unemployed, or stuck in a school where I was unhappy every day. I’m mostly happy most days in this position. Remember the joy I felt when I was asked back the second year? (That’s directed at me, this blog started well after that so I don’t expect you readers to remember.)
So today is Friday. I woke up desirous of magnetic eyelashes, which I only just found out about this week. I guess that’s the shallow consumer-focused grabby part of me popping up her head. I’ve classes all through the day and things I’ve committed to delivering (some extra correcting) that had fallen through the cracks and now I’m pretty sure I won’t get to any of that before the class it’s needed for. My organisation and loop-checking from the start of the week is starting to fray at the edges and all I want now it to get through to the end of the working week.
I’m in dire need of recuperation.
I’m a bit living in the future at the moment. There are a number of exams to set and print and then correct and I’m feeling under more than a small bit of pressure regarding work. To do a good job, I feel like I need to have a modicum of a life outside, but I also feel that everything “extra” like open nights, WSEs, school-shows, extra outside of school classes, competitions, committee meetings, etc. etc. – it all just puts me on the back foot.
I came into this school year determined to “do less”. I don’t really mean that in the absolute way it’s probably reading. I wanted to cut down some of the outside extra commitments so that I could focus more on being a better classroom teacher. But I suppose once you’ve got form for doing extra things, people start asking you to do more of them and it gets hard to say no.
I’ll try again next year.