Another morning. Another broken streak. I was going to write last night, but then I got into a conversation with a friend, and that used up all my energy and a lot of my words. And it doesn’t matter, and so long as it feels like it does matter a tiny bit, then sometimes I start to feel like it’s healthy to break the streak.
I’m talking about unbroken days writing in case I’m making no sense here.
My friend was talking about his recent steps into the world of the soberocracy (apparently that’s a term now. cool.) and that was cool. My reaction to hearing that someone I know is starting (or has started) their own version of the alcohol-free journey is a SUPER BIG YAY! But I end up feeling like I don’t want to show that reaction to them. Here’s why I think I feel like that:
- I’m worried that the super big yay for them being here too is more about me and maybe wanting company and some other like minds to share with, coz it’s new and strange and navigating the world feels like it as different concerns now.
- I feel like maybe that yay might imply judgement on whatever came before. Or that it might imply judgement on all our friends, my friends, who are still alcoholling.
- There’s a chance that a person may decide to go back to drinking alcohol and if I was this super intense AF person, they might later feel that judgement.
From what was said, I have the feeling that this friend is not stopping in a “detox” sort of way, that he’s as much “over” the false benefits of alcohol as I’m feeling.
- I don’t want to be an assholey evangelical person about my “new thing”. I’ve been enough of that in my time.
I’m over-using the word “feeling” right now because I’m tentative and uncertain and I don’t want to come across as certain when I’m not. I’ve spoken about when I learned to do that before – from someone who was a bit of a dick actually, from someone who wanted to view me as lesser and childlike and keep me and my confidence in check. So sometimes being tentative – although it might be appropriate and a good thing in lots and lots of circumstances, and although it probably wasn’t the worst thing in the world to learn to think about that – sometimes the amount I’ve learned to use “I think” and “I feel” and how much I’ve learned to present my opinions obliquely less they offend, sometimes that feels kind of dirty and untrue.
That was a tangent. I thought you’d like to know.
Meanwhile, I’m exhausted and cranky. And G. is exhausted and cranky. And the children are energetic and exhausting, but it’s work, really. We’re both a bit overcommitted, I think. And this is leading to that old foe – days lived just to get through. Days not felt. Society unenjoyed.
But how can I enjoy anything when I’m feeling constantly guilty for everything I’m leaving undone. Keeping a to-do list and keeping my Loops folder helps me manage everything I’m meant to be doing, but it just seems to keep growing! Am I taking on more than I used to? Am I saying more “yes”es? I feel constantly worried and overwhelmed. I feel like I’m dropping the ball – bull all on small unimportant shit like the fucking playlists for the Silent Disco next week. I mean, that’s so trivial!
Last year I would have dropped the ball far more thoroughly I reckon. I would have responded to the stress by drinking and then falling asleep and then it wouldn’t be done, but at that stage I’d be hungover and just getting through the day would be counted as a success. And that was a shit way to live and I’m definitely glad I don’t do that any more, but I’ve got to find some other way to escape the constant feeling of commitments left unanswered and guilt over things yet to be done – things beyond what I can do and still have a shred of energy left over to spend on my family.
So, what to do? Last night I did a bit less. I took some time to myself and watched a movie and let things slide a little bit and that actually alleviated some of the stress. Just maybe, put myself and my home and my family first. Outside of school, it gets two hours and no more. That’s it, that’s my decision.
I mightn’t stick to it 100% but maybe even the decision to try to will help matters.