One of my children appears to have gone mostly deaf! I’m assuming it’s just a build-up of ear wax, and I’m hoping that’s something that can be removed pretty easily by the doctor, but there’s a dread deep inside of me that it’s something more. Something more permanent.

And in any case I feel pretty sure that whatever it is is my fault.

The boys do have pretty waxy ears and I struggle with the best way to clean them. We don’t have a bath and letting the water run in and out of their ears in a bath is one of the things that apparently gets the wax out. Showers help, with steam and all of that, but they only have one of those about twice a week because they’re children and I think we tend to over-clean our children in western culture anyway, but also they don’t need more, they don’t want more and I don’t want to face the challenge of more.

Yes, my children are filthy creatures.

The internet tells me that ears don’t need to be cleared, that the skin and wax moves its own way out. But twin2 appears to have very narrow ear canals and I worry this process doesn’t work properly. So I cleaned the very outside of the entrance with a Q-tip. I was careful and I thought I didn’t push any wax back down the canal as I didn’t go into the ear, but … maybe?

Like I said, I’m sure that I’m to blame.

And if we were the good parents who took their children swimming every week then their ears would be getting a submerging and cleaning from that.

See? My fault.

So now G. needs to take him to the doctor today, because of my anxiety and worry and also my carelessness about letting it all get to this point in the first place. Driving is hard for him with sore knee and his own work pressures are building up and building up.

It’s an important day at work today with the WSE report being given in the afternoon and I do really want to be present for it. I also want to be present for my leaving cert class – it’s always right down to the wire with the leaving cert maths course and getting as much of it covered as possible before the pre-exams.

I’m a little under the weather myself and twin1’s vomiting bug hit me a whack last night. He and I are the people in the family with dodgy stomachs to start with. Even the hint of a gastro-virus and we’re both up-chucking.

I feel okay this morning, like, definitely not sick enough to take the day off, especially when there are commitments to attend to at work and I already feel so behind with a bunch of stuff.

But the obligations that exist in my family are strong too, and there’s a definite sense of abandoner-feeling growing in me this morning. I’m leaving G. to manage two less-than-prime children, juggling an overloaded work schedule and an injury of his own while I “swan off” to a day of “easy” work.

While work isn’t easy, it is a privilege to get to attack my to-do list. And in order to do so I guess I’m ending up asking my husband to back-burner his a little.

That’s a bit of the constant tug-of-war of family life, I suppose. I’ve written about that before here and how I think what’s working best for us is to both put up our strongest selfish defence for our own needs and that balance somehow manages to come from that. Maybe I have that impression because my needs are winning more than 50% of the time and I’m downplaying that because it suits me?

I don’t actually think so though. I think that things are actually pretty balanced, it just feels like it’s never going to be enough in the face of all the things I both need and want to do. And the same for G.

Well, time appears to be a limiting factor, but I’ve been on this point before; the real limiting factor is energy. But here – the children do sap the hell out of that. Work commitments likewise. So treating it like a “time” issue tends to have the same effect overall. Still I prefer to see the true cause of failing to do all, because that great time suck, Sleep, actually restores energy. When I think of Time as being the scarce resource I might be tempted to limit sleep, but when I realise that it’s energy, then attending to sleep appropriately becomes important.

But I’m wandering all over the brain-place now, and time and energy are ticking on along with the day.