I actually don’t have the time to complete writing here this morning. Another morning. The alarm went off, and I no longer respected the decisions that had lead me to setting it at that time. The second alarm went off and I didn’t feel much different. I was all consumed by my sleepiness.
And it’s still pretty prevalent, so even though I don’t have the time to be writing here this morning, I’m going to take at least some of that time – at least for however long it takes me to drink down this coffee and foist some semblance of wakefulness upon myself.
Yesterday I went up to North Cork to celebrate the 21st birthday of my twin nieces. I was 19 when they were born and I felt like such an adult at that time. I feel much less of one now in some ways, despite being physically older and probably a whole lot more mature. Probably.
My uncle – the one who is my biological father’s brother (have I talked about that here? No huge matter, but it probably does inform some stuff about me. Let me finish the current sentence first.) was there and I hadn’t seen him in about 10 years. I had thought it was more recent than that, but I guess that’s how time and business goes. I feel all weird and thoughtful about it now, but you can’t invent a relationship in your forties that didn’t actually exist from your childhood, regardless of how nostalgic etc. you might be feeling.
Some of the feelings are coming from the recently acquired knowledge that this uncle (this priest-uncle actually – Ireland you know) studied and taught Maths and Maths Physics and there you go – there actually was that stuff in my background. I wasn’t the anomaly in the family that I felt growing up. And I was completely supported by and got to share those interests with my dad (not my blood dad, but my dad. You know.), and I’ve recently learned that he could also have been responsible for how I expressed the genes I received from the other guy.
Interesting, and anyway, before too long these feelings of narrative entitlement will pass. The feeling that “Oh, but we probably have all this stuff in common! Oh, we should be closer. We should have been closer when I was growing up” is all false paint on a past that actually isn’t in need of a ret-con. My story is fine as it is. It’s full and complete and nuanced, and other potential paths wouldn’t really have resulted in something substantially different, I think..
I just had a little bit of weird thoughtfulness feeling after the afternoon. It’s less significant than the words I’ve dedicated to it.
There was other stuff during the afternoon though – my mother and sister both noticed my not insignificant weight loss. I didn’t object to it being noticed – after all it’s the result of 8 months of work on my part. Or change, or something.
I was speaking with my sister in the cold outside my car before leaving and I did admit that I’ve not been drinking at all now since April. She asked had I not been drinking at my birthday and I said no, that I’d faked it and handed on any drinks to G. I felt weird about it though. I still feel a bit weird about it. I think it’s the falsehood of the occasion. I mean, I know I made the right decision for me at the time, but I still felt weird, or like I might be coming across as judgemental or like I was somehow implying that everyone should be living the way I have decided to live.
That’s probably just a whole lot of projection and double-think on my part though. I am assuming what others are thinking about what I’m saying, and I’m making assumptions about what they’re assuming I’m thinking – and I’m pretty sure that’s a quick path to being wrong.
Anyway, in the end it was lovely but I came away feeling – as I’ve already described with precise and evocative word-choice – “weird”.
Now, I have finished my coffee and pretty much finished writing things here, at a definite cost to the time-pool of the morning, but we’ll cope and I think I kind of needed it. All the same, maybe it’s a good time to remind myself that if I want to both write and wake up and not be stressed and cranky getting out the door, then there are some better choices for me to make around my alarm.