Twice in the last couple of days of school I found myself in a classroom singing Bohemian Rhapsody. Okay, it’s technically not a Christmas song, but 16 years ago it re-charted at Christmas. It was in the charts as a classmate fell head-first from her bicycle, spent a week on life-support and finally died. The feelings around that whole time are ridiculously strong. And the song itself – I loved it, I was in love with it, I obsessed, we’ve talked about this before, you get the picture.

So, a small fragment of 14-17 year old me was in the room singing along with today’s teenagers.

And a small fragment of today’s me is not entirely okay with that.

I have no truck with adults who want to be down with the kids. It’s one of my many deep-rooted judgemental stances that I feel absolutely immobile about, and yet I find myself feeling nearly a friendship with some of the kids in my senior class as we take the odd segue into discussions of gender-politics and the basic human rights that are denied women in this country.

There’s one particular group with whom I appear to share a lot of similar world-views and cultural tastes, and they’re cute and sweet and funny little proto-people who have some pretty good strong thoughts and I feel like that should be nurtured but —

That’s not my job, is it?

I’m there to teach maths skills and maths applications.

Look, I’m not thinking it’s a bad thing to have a fun moment or three all rocking out to Bohemian Rhapsody together in the countdown to Christmas holidays when we’re all kinda exhausted. I’m not thinking that it’s playing too much “cool teacher” to have some Handel playing as we work on the Sine and Cosine rules – why not?! I don’t even think it’s outside of my remit to have a small discussion on the invisibling of non-binary folk by some questions’ assumptions that there are only two genders. But somehow all of it together might be too much.

I don’t know. I’ll think about it. And I’ll probably pull back a bit into some more “boring” or at least “traditional” style lessons.

Then again, I like having a little music in the classroom.

I just don’t want to be one of those 40 year olds who doesn’t realise they’re not a teenager anymore. And I guess I don’t fully – or at least what I do feel is that the gap isn’t as big as it seems from the younger side; we’re all people with the potential to be crappy ones, thoughtful ones, selfish ones, careless ones, beautiful ones, sad, happy, struggling, at times even joyful ones.

***

It’s time to start getting up and on with the day. I have our lunch Christmas party this afternoon and I’m feeling a small bit self-conscious about my appearance surrounding that. There’s likely to be some scrutiny as there always is at these things and while I’ve learned to fake it at human presentation, some of the alien in me always slips through.

In any case, the main thing I want to do this morning is head on out for a longish run. I’m getting pretty close to my goal distance for the year and it will now be disappointing to me if I don’t manage to make it. Well, good, in some ways because it’s a bit of a driving motivator, getting me out beating the pavement with my legs at a time of year when it would be so much easier to just give up and say “In the New Year”.

I guess like I have with many other things: caffeine, meditation, yoga – true self-care, basically.

I’m doing a “good enough” job to get me through the last 9 days of the year, but I do feel more than a bit like I’m “phoning it in”.

I’m excited for the Christmas break and I’m looking forward to seeing joy on the faces of those tiny offspring of mine on the morning of all the presents. It’s been an expensive time of the year – not made any less so by my personal request for a pretty expensive gift. Sometimes consumerism makes me feel a little ill and I find I can’t do all the Christmas shopping in a short amount of time because all that buying makes me feel unwell.

I’m getting repetitive.

But, you know, all the giving makes me feel pretty good. Especially if I feel like I’ve done a good job at picking out something my friends and family particularly like.

Anyway, push on through for the meantime. I’ll fix my life in about a week, okay?

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