I feel like I was tricked into waking early this morning. Children were awake and demanding to sleep on me, my alarm was blaring, and basically all times before 8am look the same right now. So I thought it was 7 when it was really six and here I am, coffee in tow, trying to commit to a wakeful morning.

I could probably go back to sleep within 30 seconds, but I’ve decided that this is what I want to do this morning: I want to get words written and then I want to get us all out of the house snappish-like.

I’ve a weird obsession with making “Best time” when travelling places, and with travelling on the edges of days so that full days can be spent at the destination. It’s probably not objectively so rewarding as I tend to think it is because of the stress pressure and exhaustion inherent in such early rising and stressing about getting out the door in a timely fashion.

Maybe I could just chill out a little.

***

Yesterday was our work Christmas lunch. It’s a nice dressed-y up affair with crackers and good food and usually a healthy dollop of wine for those who are interested. I hear it can get pretty boozy after the meal has finished as a number of people hang around late and then I guess taxi into town for more of the same. It’s never too boozy at the time though as there are a fair number of people driving and who – like me – need to do child-pick-up and the likes.

But instead of using that easy and predictable excuse for why I was eschewing the drink, I came out.

“Yes, I am driving, but actually I haven’t been drinking at all since last April.”

Now that I’ve said it a few times, it’s gotten a lot easier to let it trip off my tongue. It doesn’t hurt that my weight-loss has become pretty noticeable, and using that as part of my reasoning seems to be acceptable.

“It was either wine or chips and I choose chips.”

To be honest, wine meant having chips too – that’s a significant part of where the weight gain came from in the first place.

I still don’t know if I’m going to “come out” to my parents when I’m down. They would probably accept the weight-loss motivation as readily as the next person, and like I’ve previously said I’ve been alcohol free the last few times I’ve been down and that’s sort of set the stage.

***

I’m drifting off mid-thought a lot during this morning’s words. I think now that I actually will go back for a short nap when I finish here because I can barely manage to type straight (a good half of those last words were auto-corrected) and driving is going to be my main job this morning.

I always prefer to be the one driving on long windy trips like this. I’m so absolutely terrified of a car crash and it’s not like I think I’m a better driver than my husband (at no more so than I tend to think that I’m a better driver than everyone), but being in control helps me deal with my anxiety around crashing.

If I could be the one piloting the plane, maybe I’d be a less anxious flight-passenger too.

But yeah, statistically I’m no better of a driver than anyone, and it’s not just my driving to consider, but that of the other people out on the roads with me at the same time.

***

Okay, I’m literally typing with my eyes closed some of the time now. This is taking stream-of-consciousness to a whole new level.

How insane would it be to try to write like this in the morning if I didn’t touch-type – and have autocorrect.

My brain is bouncing around from thought to thought in the manner of a sleepless gnat. I think I’m half dreaming at the same time as writing here: Return of the Jedi, The Java One convention in Tokyo, Energy drinks, Analysing what the fuck all is wrong with me….

Lots and lots of fragments of images, changing and jumping faster than I can even notice them fully. It’s Salvadore Dali’s dream – I mean, so I’ve heard. Possibly apocryphal.

***

Right! Enough with this sleep deprivation bullshit. I’m going off to set my alarm and get another chunk of knitting up my ravelled sleeves. If my body is just a meat robot, then I need to more fully recharge my batteries before I ask it to perform the days duties.

Sorry for how patchy this is today.

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