So it turns out that I hurt myself a bit more than I had initially thought when I took that fall on Sunday. Did I mention that I fell while running on Sunday? I think I did, but these words have a tendency to float away from me like a half-remembered pub conversation. That doesn’t mean I don’t mean them, but it’s a bit “whatever’s in my brain” and some stuff that’s in my brain doesn’t make it to the virtual page and I’m sometimes uncertain of what has and what hasn’t.
Anyway, I fell 11km into my 14km long run on Sunday and felt pretty sorry for myself but not too sore. I guess the cold and the running endorphins combined to make it less noticeable, and the migraine attack later in the day took my attention off the muscular-skeletal pain. My knee is irritating me mainly because a large patch of skin is missing and bending it is really painful, but my shoulder is the surprising one as I’m finding I can’t easily raise my arm very high at all.
I think the enforced rest day today at the hands of an after school meeting might not be the worst thing ever.
As for the rest of yesterday – it was okay! My determination to keep the day in context worked well for my stress levels, although I’m not sure how well it worked for my working levels; I didn’t do any of the work-generated tasks from the day. However, I have an excuse! Something else happened.
There’s been a new direction of movement on house stuff. I don’t want to go into lots of details in this forum at this particular time. Even though no names are mentioned or anything like that, this is still a public blog and why go down the path of having things bite my virtual ass if I don’t actually have to. But it’s exciting and hopeful.
Overall it’s hard to shake the fear that nothing is ever going to happen and we’re just going to be stuck inside a box that’s becoming less and less structurally sound, with mould spores infecting our lungs and the water leak gradually slowing our supply til there’s nothing left but the scantest drip.
I was expecting it to be a slow process, and I think I even needed it to be a little slow initially, but I’m kind of over the heel-dragging now. We’re currently in a limbo land of waiting to hear back from developers about their level of interest and if they’re really going to fund as much of the build as we both want and expect them to.
Now my mind is tangenting off into details of hiring developers and project managers and all that stuff which is premature and anyway will be something we’ll take advice on.
I just want my house. I just want to be gone out of here. I feel like I’m camping – and okay, I did that to a certain extent when I demanded we get rid of the back-breaking bed of doom, but I’ve been feeling that way for a while anyway. I suppose I’ve had that feeling since the prospect of moving out and building a new place changed into a really possibility. I suppose from the moment we looked at one another and said “Okay, we’re doin’ this.” I was already gone in spirit.
It’s all part of that same thing, that same problem of mind, that desire to spend my life living in a potential future where I can imagine this perfect life – and not only a perfect life, but a perfect self within that life. And it’s dangerous because it removes any motivation to fix the very real problems in the here and now. These are problems that are guaranteed to show up in any actual future, especially when I ignore them in favour of these fantasies, but that’s all a bit much like work. It’s way more fun to keep imagining a magically content self, picked up whole and landed into a situation where everything is shiny and perfect and working out just as I’ve always felt I deserved.
Because it’s always been my circumstances to blame for my imperfect life, right?
Ummm… yeah, well.
The interesting thing – the fascinating, optimistic, really bloody cool thing – is that if I actually pay attention to the life that I have, I start to realise that it’s not so imperfect after all. That even those perceived imperfections are part of the intricate detail that makes the whole so beautiful.
Why keep searching for a blank canvas when there’s so much beauty already laid down here.